1 00:00:27,780 --> 00:00:32,070 Oh, let's just get in there, baby. Let's go. Hustle. Here we go. 2 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,030 I love angry sex. This is the best. 3 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,910 Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh? 4 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,120 Oh, yeah-- Okay. 5 00:00:44,750 --> 00:00:48,050 Give up, already. Yeah, you know. 6 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,270 I like this girl. Really do. 7 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,150 Sometimes you just know. 8 00:01:10,110 --> 00:01:12,990 I'm not finished. 9 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,500 Here's where my head is at. We start with a blowjob. 10 00:01:23,670 --> 00:01:24,830 Obviously, yeah 11 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,670 Which most girls find rewarding... 12 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:30,630 ...because I turn what is normally a chore into a tutoring session. 13 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,430 You know, my own special Head Start program. Even got Chloraseptic spray. 14 00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:37,140 Do that really well, we move on to the nasty stuff. 15 00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:40,270 Do some artsy live streaming video. Totally tasteful. 16 00:01:40,430 --> 00:01:42,350 Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy. 17 00:01:42,850 --> 00:01:45,940 -Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time? -Yeah. 18 00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:47,690 I accept your rebuke of my advances. 19 00:01:47,860 --> 00:01:50,280 But for future reference, could you give me a reason why? 20 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,280 How about 10? 21 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,700 I love angry sex. This is the best. 22 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,160 It's gonna be great. Just.... 23 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,330 Hey, we're going Dutch on gas money, you know. 24 00:02:07,630 --> 00:02:09,380 Shut the fuck up. I'm not even listen-- 25 00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:12,340 Oh, my God! Why aren't you--? 26 00:02:12,510 --> 00:02:13,970 Dick! 27 00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:15,550 -Listen. Sarah. -Oh, my God. 28 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,430 I didn't know it was your sister. 29 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,890 If I did, then I wouldn't have had sex with her. 30 00:02:20,060 --> 00:02:23,230 Okay, but I was drunk, it was dark, and I thought it was you. 31 00:02:23,390 --> 00:02:26,230 Oh, she's pregnant too. You tell your sister... 32 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,520 ...that I'll make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her honor. 33 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,990 Sarah, my ex. 34 00:02:35,070 --> 00:02:36,950 Big cunt. 35 00:02:46,830 --> 00:02:48,080 Rachel, I apologize. 36 00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,790 Sometimes when you try a new restaurant, it's a gamble. 37 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,170 And today we lost. 38 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,970 I'm thinking to avoid any sexual obligation, that's you. 39 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:09,610 Oh, my God. 40 00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:12,020 Please stop. Please stop. Please. 41 00:03:13,990 --> 00:03:16,610 Perhaps I can interest you in some of our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries? 42 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,780 She could use a little more famine and a little less fried. 43 00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,370 Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap. 44 00:03:24,950 --> 00:03:26,410 Okay, no, I don't drink... 45 00:03:26,580 --> 00:03:29,290 -...but thank you. -I wasn't ordering for you. 46 00:03:36,170 --> 00:03:38,630 -I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted. -That's okay. 47 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:40,800 I've got a little bit of a headache, so.... 48 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,220 See?! 49 00:03:46,930 --> 00:03:48,480 It's been like this for a month! 50 00:03:49,650 --> 00:03:51,480 I got it. 51 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,990 These are for your ears! 52 00:04:02,950 --> 00:04:04,240 Thanks. 53 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,410 You look offended by the song! 54 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:10,790 But if you really listen, it's not really vulgar. 55 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:15,920 It's about a guy, he's in love. And I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy." 56 00:04:16,090 --> 00:04:18,170 But it's a metaphor for, like: 57 00:04:18,340 --> 00:04:20,840 "I wanna hug you!" 58 00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:24,300 Pop that pussy Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me 59 00:04:25,310 --> 00:04:28,180 So I'll call you later? 60 00:04:28,350 --> 00:04:31,400 -And I'll call the cops, you asshole. -I had a nice time tonight. 61 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,860 -Hello. -Josh, I just went on... 62 00:04:39,030 --> 00:04:41,240 -...the worst date of my life. -Rachel. 63 00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:45,530 -Hey, look, I'm gl-- -I'm so, so sorry. 64 00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:48,540 Why are you sorry? Baby, I was the one who-- 65 00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:52,290 -Can we maybe, you know, grab a...? -Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great. 66 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,040 -Yeah. -I'd really like that. 67 00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:58,880 Listen, I'm out with a friend right now. But can I call you? 68 00:04:59,050 --> 00:05:01,300 -What about dinner tomorrow night? -I'd like that. 69 00:05:01,470 --> 00:05:03,340 Yeah, I'd like that too. All right. 70 00:05:03,510 --> 00:05:07,430 I'm so glad you called. All right, bye. 71 00:05:08,270 --> 00:05:10,430 Told you. I just show them the difference... 72 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,060 ...between what's in the hand and what's in the bush. 73 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,730 You have mastered the female psyche. 74 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:18,280 To get them to run, I make them think that I'm shit. 75 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,860 To get them to come, I make them think they're shit. 76 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:23,110 Either way, you're the asshole. 77 00:05:23,780 --> 00:05:25,700 It's what I do. 78 00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:02,940 Sorry. 79 00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:18,750 All right. 80 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,840 Look at you, all white and thin. 81 00:06:21,010 --> 00:06:24,260 I bet if I laid you on this bar, she could snort you. 82 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:25,800 Listen, beauty queen. 83 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:29,350 I know people are concerned about you because you're dangerously thin. 84 00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:32,350 But I'm not one of those people. Yet I am concerned. 85 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,100 That you've had too many drinks... 86 00:06:34,270 --> 00:06:37,770 ...and your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters. 87 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,150 These pretzeled devils, far from complimentary. 88 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,150 I mean, baby, get your head in the game. 89 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,110 Nothing tastes as good as looking good. 90 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,200 -That is just.... -Excuse me. 91 00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:50,870 Are you psycho? I mean, how can you even begin to talk to--? 92 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,120 Easy, Urlacher. 93 00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:55,370 Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? 94 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:58,540 If the pussy police here would stop ordering her fries tempura-- 95 00:06:58,710 --> 00:06:59,710 I just had a child. 96 00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,300 Congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. 97 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:04,130 Looks like you downed the whole thing. 98 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:06,930 You're an asshole. 99 00:07:09,390 --> 00:07:12,970 -You really are an asshole. -Then walk away. 100 00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:28,410 -Let me just go get my purse, okay? -Get cigarettes. 101 00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:31,410 -Let's go. -Okay. 102 00:07:31,580 --> 00:07:35,450 Take me. Take me to your house. Take me right now to your house. 103 00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:38,670 -Hey, guy. -Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee. 104 00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:40,710 -Yeah. Come here. -Renee, Tank. 105 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,420 -Hey, okay. Two seconds. -Talk to me for a second. 106 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,960 -Yeah, I'll talk to you all night. -All right. 107 00:07:46,130 --> 00:07:48,840 Didn't I just save your ass? I just cleaned up your bed... 108 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:52,930 ...and you're shitting in it again, okay? Aren't you getting fucking married? 109 00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:55,470 I am getting married... 110 00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:58,060 ...but not tonight. 111 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,440 -Renee. Renee, there she is. -Josh. 112 00:08:01,610 --> 00:08:04,900 There she is. She's all mine. 113 00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:11,240 I have to work tomorrow. 114 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:16,080 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. It's Tuesday. 115 00:08:16,250 --> 00:08:21,000 Good one. I have a strict no-sleepover policy. 116 00:08:22,630 --> 00:08:24,130 Yeah. 117 00:08:31,090 --> 00:08:34,430 Come on, Tank, it's almost 5. 118 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:39,350 For some people that's not tonight, it's tomorrow. 119 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,610 I hate those people. 120 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:06,880 Shit. 121 00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:11,420 Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine. Okay, bye. 122 00:09:11,590 --> 00:09:14,050 -Dude. What the shit? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 123 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,970 I told you this was happening. As of now, I'm training for the marathon. 124 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:22,190 Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong with a little bit of discipline. 125 00:09:22,350 --> 00:09:23,810 By the way, you should try it. 126 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,610 You need discipline like I need to miss my period. 127 00:09:26,770 --> 00:09:28,440 Seriously, you're already, like... 128 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:31,950 ...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog... 129 00:09:32,110 --> 00:09:33,860 ...cyborg crazy creature. 130 00:09:34,030 --> 00:09:35,530 You mean, I have a job? 131 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:39,370 And now you're gonna wake me up at 5:15 every single morning... 132 00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,540 ...so that eventually you can run 26 miles in a circle. 133 00:09:42,710 --> 00:09:46,540 Here's the great part. You get to go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea! 134 00:09:47,710 --> 00:09:54,010 For the record, I am involved in a very taboo interoffice relationship. 135 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,350 -Morning. -Good morning. 136 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:02,390 Dustin, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks. 137 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,980 I'm from Lexington. 138 00:10:04,150 --> 00:10:06,020 -Okay, bye. -Bye. 139 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,150 -See you. -Yeah. 140 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,610 That's not the secret knock. 141 00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,990 That's the one. What's going on, man? 142 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,870 I need to move this into your room. Tonight is the night. 143 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,580 And if all goes according to plan, consider this move permanent. 144 00:10:27,750 --> 00:10:31,300 -"Lawrence of a Labia"? -Yeah, in a moment of weakness... 145 00:10:31,460 --> 00:10:35,880 ...I bought the entire EFI. The Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy. 146 00:10:36,050 --> 00:10:38,430 Where did it go wrong? You have a serious problem. 147 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,680 Better than taking sexual frustrations out... 148 00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:43,520 ...on a parade of one-night skanks I'll never see again. 149 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:44,730 -True. -Good morning. 150 00:10:44,890 --> 00:10:48,100 Hey, no, no, come here. This is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin. 151 00:10:48,270 --> 00:10:52,150 Not technically related. Our parents were friends until his mom walked out. 152 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,700 Slash-fuckhead for bringing up bad family shit at inappropriate times. 153 00:10:55,860 --> 00:10:56,910 It's nice to meet you. 154 00:10:57,070 --> 00:10:59,120 -Nice to meet you. -Fucking family. 155 00:10:59,410 --> 00:11:02,410 What's the plan? Bring this girl back here, pop open chloroform... 156 00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:04,410 ...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat? 157 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,250 No. Tonight is the night I tell her how I feel. 158 00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:10,960 Tank, this girl-- This girl is my soul mate and it's time she knew that. 159 00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:13,460 Not if you want to fuck her. 160 00:11:13,630 --> 00:11:16,630 You, what is the nicest thing I've said to you since I met you? 161 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,260 You complimented me on my technique. 162 00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:20,850 Okay, look, I'm not you, okay? 163 00:11:21,010 --> 00:11:24,180 I'm not gonna manipulate her, I'm not gonna con her. 164 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,060 -I'm just gonna be myself. -No. 165 00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:29,600 Yourself is a repressed headcase that beats more meat than Rocky Balboa. 166 00:11:29,770 --> 00:11:33,360 By hiding your porn, taking her to joints you hate, training for a marathon... 167 00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:36,860 ...you're not showing the real you. You're showing a highlight-reel you. 168 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:41,370 -Thus, in fact, you're conning her. -You don't get it. You don't get it. 169 00:11:41,530 --> 00:11:44,330 I love her. Alexis-- 170 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,870 Alexis is my angel. 171 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,000 You get it, right? 172 00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,550 We don't get it. We don't. 173 00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,840 Anyway, we can skip this "call me" scenario. 174 00:11:57,010 --> 00:11:58,170 -I'm already late. -Great. 175 00:11:58,340 --> 00:11:59,090 I wanna know something. 176 00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:09,060 Dusty, this is absurd. 177 00:12:09,230 --> 00:12:11,310 What? You love steak, we're eating steak. 178 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,190 -You're a vegan. -Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy. 179 00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:21,320 I feel a little guilty loving steak so much and you're a vegan. 180 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:23,490 But whatever. 181 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,490 I love the way you eat. 182 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,750 I love that you eat. 183 00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:31,040 I love that you pay. 184 00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:40,010 Seriously, though, I just love watching you do anything. 185 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:43,010 I love it-- I love you, Alexis. I love you. 186 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:49,230 Oh, shit. 187 00:12:50,690 --> 00:12:56,230 We just said more than once we're gonna keep it light. 188 00:12:56,730 --> 00:13:00,400 -We work together, we're friends. -That's what I'm supposed to say. 189 00:13:00,570 --> 00:13:03,870 Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be the relationship tough guy, you know? 190 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,200 I'm the dude. 191 00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:07,040 The dude can't just come out with: 192 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,200 "I've loved you since the moment I first saw you, pounding out... 193 00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,460 ...a lender's agreement, eating Cocoa Puffs... 194 00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:14,630 ...while some pretty boy drooled over you." 195 00:13:14,790 --> 00:13:18,250 -Michi Yamana. -Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick. 196 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,720 So I love you, madly. 197 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,720 Sorry. I-- I-- I know I need to stop. 198 00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,680 Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin. Just shut your mouth. 199 00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:30,810 I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh? See, this is what you do to me. 200 00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:32,850 -What do I say here, but--? -I'm sorry. 201 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:36,150 But do you know how hard it's been trying to play it cool? 202 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:37,860 -It's been five weeks. -I know. 203 00:13:38,030 --> 00:13:39,570 We haven't even had sex. 204 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,700 Well, that's why we're here, Alexis. I wanted to talk to you about-- 205 00:13:48,330 --> 00:13:50,200 I think I'm ready to take the next step. 206 00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:54,210 Sex isn't a step, Dustin. 207 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:58,170 Being exclusive would be a step or moving in together is a step. 208 00:13:58,340 --> 00:13:59,800 Then let's move in together. 209 00:14:05,140 --> 00:14:06,720 I need you to take me home. 210 00:14:06,890 --> 00:14:10,220 But it just felt so right. It just felt so right. 211 00:14:10,390 --> 00:14:11,720 No, it does, it feels right. 212 00:14:11,890 --> 00:14:16,690 Just not right now. 213 00:14:16,860 --> 00:14:19,020 "Just not right now." 214 00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:26,530 Oh, God. 215 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:36,870 God, I'm a fag. 216 00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:44,550 -Dude, you canceled Spice. -It was like 21 bucks a month, dude. 217 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:49,100 Someone had a rough night. 218 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,600 I'm Mr. Right... 219 00:14:52,770 --> 00:14:55,600 ...just not Mr. Right Now. 220 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,770 What--? What does that even mean? What does that even mean? 221 00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:03,440 -I told her I loved her-- -Oh, no. 222 00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:05,240 What? 223 00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:09,740 I went in early. No, no, I know. I went in a little early, but she-- 224 00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:15,500 -Thanks for your support. Sweet. -Dustin. 225 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:19,540 Dusty, look. 226 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,300 This too shall pass, all right? 227 00:15:22,460 --> 00:15:25,380 But that journey begins... 228 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,590 ...with self-exploration. 229 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,010 And I'm holding the map, Dusty. 230 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,640 Hey. 231 00:15:32,350 --> 00:15:35,060 Kid, I got your 'bate crate. 232 00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:37,230 You know how much you love your 'bate crate. 233 00:15:37,390 --> 00:15:39,650 "I'm like comfort food for your penis." 234 00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,780 -What do I do? -Okay. 235 00:15:44,940 --> 00:15:47,400 What do you do? Okay, let's look at the options. 236 00:15:47,570 --> 00:15:51,280 Stalk her. But you're never gonna be with her. Love her from a distance. 237 00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,990 Never have a family but you could love her kids from a distance. 238 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,370 -Or I could just hire you. -No. 239 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:59,500 -Why not? -I don't fuck with family. 240 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,090 Well, technically we're not blood-related. Right? 241 00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,050 Go to bed, Dust. 242 00:16:05,670 --> 00:16:08,220 You're serious. Okay. 243 00:16:08,380 --> 00:16:10,260 I'll get serious. 244 00:16:10,590 --> 00:16:12,680 If I do this.... 245 00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:19,060 If I do this, I'm gonna make it the finest Tank-ing of my career. 246 00:16:19,230 --> 00:16:23,190 My fucking masterpiece. She'll lose her shit like a shit collector with amnesia. 247 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:27,610 I'm talking about a Turkish twist, epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay? 248 00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:32,450 Her brain'll be rocking back and forth in the shower for like three weeks. 249 00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:35,660 Okay? I'm talking about demonic fucking Tank. 250 00:16:35,830 --> 00:16:37,330 I'll be flying up into the sky. 251 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:41,960 She's gonna cry tears that form "Call Dusty" on the ground. 252 00:16:42,130 --> 00:16:44,840 Yes? Am I doing it? Tell me I'm doing it. 253 00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:49,510 Okay, that was weird. And I'm not sure that-- 254 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,180 Listen, rain check, maybe though. 255 00:16:52,340 --> 00:16:56,140 Wow, can't believe I almost resorted to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry. 256 00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:58,770 You're sweet. Next time with the next one, maybe. 257 00:16:58,930 --> 00:17:00,770 -Thank you. -I'm here. 258 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,440 A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly. 259 00:17:09,950 --> 00:17:11,860 Don't say a word. 260 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,010 God! Son of-- 261 00:17:37,180 --> 00:17:41,060 Why? That stupid-- 262 00:17:44,350 --> 00:17:46,810 Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. 263 00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:48,360 How may I help you today? 264 00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:51,650 Excuse me, do you have any idea how long I was just on hold? 265 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,740 It's been like an hour and a half. 266 00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:55,360 Hello. In your manual... 267 00:17:55,530 --> 00:17:58,160 ...you've expressed a possibility of some odor issues. 268 00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:03,080 "Faint aroma," it says here on page 7. Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit. 269 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,920 It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude. 270 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:10,460 Because apparently I paid 49.90-motherfucking-5... 271 00:18:10,630 --> 00:18:15,090 ...so that my sweet-ass condo smells like some Korean cat barbecue. 272 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,140 -Touchdown. -You lose. You lose. 273 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:18,930 You suck. 274 00:18:19,770 --> 00:18:23,770 Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but that's not gonna solve your problem. 275 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:26,730 New girl. 276 00:18:29,190 --> 00:18:30,940 New girl 277 00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:33,440 Ooh, new girl 278 00:18:35,860 --> 00:18:37,740 Did the emotional terrorist win? 279 00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:40,910 I just-- You know, it's funny. I never noticed your highlights... 280 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,120 ...until somebody actually said something. 281 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:44,790 They're actually really good. 282 00:18:45,170 --> 00:18:47,750 -Just tell me how it works. -Let me make this clear. 283 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,880 Before she can love you, she has to hate me. 284 00:18:51,050 --> 00:18:53,840 But before she can hate me, she has to like me. 285 00:18:54,010 --> 00:18:56,090 That may be the hardest part of the equation. 286 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,550 So I set up the meet-cute. 287 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,970 In every movie, the stars meet in some cutesy way. 288 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:03,140 Since every woman is looking for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy... 289 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:06,810 ...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies, I've gotta be that thing. 290 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,230 Here. 291 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:10,730 Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it. 292 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:47,810 Are you okay? 293 00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:54,690 That was rough. I'm Alexis. 294 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,700 Wow, that looked really real. 295 00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:09,290 -Is that real? -It's real and it hurts. 296 00:20:09,460 --> 00:20:12,250 Okay. So, like, what happens now? You come back every day... 297 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:15,300 ...for a couple weeks. Slowly, eventually you build her trust. 298 00:20:15,670 --> 00:20:18,220 -Daddy bee's got the honey. -That's her number. 299 00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:21,140 -Let's go eat. -How--? How did--? 300 00:20:21,890 --> 00:20:24,760 Now, remember, she's classy. So maybe a fast-food joint. 301 00:20:24,930 --> 00:20:26,770 Or wait, wait, drive-through. 302 00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:29,890 Do I tell you what flavor of jam to eat out of your boss's ass? 303 00:20:31,810 --> 00:20:32,650 No. Dusty, it's what I do. 304 00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:36,110 You gotta trust me. She's not gonna know what hit her. 305 00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:39,150 All right. Good luck. 306 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,120 -Do not wear that, please. -What am I doing? 307 00:20:47,290 --> 00:20:49,210 Just take this. This is what you're doing. 308 00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:53,040 Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to flush them out after a relationship. 309 00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,710 That's disgusting. But seriously, what's wrong with me? 310 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,460 Dustin's a good guy. 311 00:20:57,630 --> 00:21:00,220 -You're such a fucking girl sometimes. -Pretty good guy. 312 00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:01,840 A good guy? Who cares? 313 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:05,680 A good guy is, like, somebody that your parents dig or-- 314 00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:09,390 -Listen to me. In the real world.... Ami. -I'm listening. 315 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,190 -In the real world.... -Yes. 316 00:21:12,350 --> 00:21:15,900 What if he's a good man with a good heart... 317 00:21:16,070 --> 00:21:19,150 ...and he's smart? And if he's not too rough on the eyes...? 318 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:23,700 If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts, I'd be getting gangbanged right now. 319 00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:27,370 Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach you something that took me, like... 320 00:21:27,540 --> 00:21:29,950 ...years and years of promiscuity to learn, okay? 321 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,960 -What is this outfit? -It's aweso-- 322 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,960 Hey, how many guys have you slept with? 323 00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:36,920 -Like, total? Three, right? -Two. 324 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,090 -Two? -I'm a serial monogamist. 325 00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:45,300 Well, okay. That's, like, the first big, huge problem right there. 326 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,470 Didn't anybody ever tell you that you have to suck a few frogs... 327 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,430 ...before you get to suck a prince? 328 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,600 I believe it's "kiss." 329 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,560 Pretend it's a year abroad, you know? 330 00:21:55,730 --> 00:22:00,400 But instead of going to Europe, you're gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes. 331 00:22:00,570 --> 00:22:03,200 -It's awesome. -I haven't been drunk in a long time. 332 00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:05,610 Good. You need it. You need it. 333 00:22:05,780 --> 00:22:09,080 Now tell me something. What do you see in this box? 334 00:22:10,580 --> 00:22:14,330 -I see into the-- -No, in the box. 335 00:22:14,830 --> 00:22:17,330 An inordinate amount of masturbatory aides... 336 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:21,550 ...which some, I pray, are novelty-sized. 337 00:22:23,090 --> 00:22:25,720 Oh, my God. 338 00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:29,010 Okay, that will do nicely. 339 00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,640 -You, show her a good time tonight. -I love you. 340 00:22:31,810 --> 00:22:33,390 -Show her a good time. -I love you. 341 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,810 -Such a good time. Love you. -Have a great night. 342 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,270 Don't be scared without me. 343 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,270 -I'll be back. I'll be back. -Yeah. I'll be waiting-- 344 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,530 -She's my roommate. -I bet she gives great head. 345 00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,160 Actually, I'm sure she does. 346 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:47,910 You're pretty drunk. 347 00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:50,780 I'm pretty ready to rock. 348 00:22:53,250 --> 00:22:55,120 Oh, boy. 349 00:22:55,290 --> 00:22:57,960 Tank, is this a Mustang? 350 00:22:58,130 --> 00:22:59,500 It's a GTO. 351 00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:04,630 -A-- Whatever that means. -Yeah. 352 00:23:05,510 --> 00:23:09,010 Well, listen, I just wanna warn you, my stereo's busted. 353 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:11,680 Oh, that's cool. That's cool. 354 00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:20,690 Hey, this is my-- I almost lost my virginity to this song. 355 00:23:32,790 --> 00:23:35,660 -Let's go. -Yeah, let's go. 356 00:23:37,830 --> 00:23:41,130 -This is a first, Tank. -Yeah, me too. 357 00:23:41,290 --> 00:23:44,050 Should we sit front row and center? 358 00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:48,090 Oh, wild. 359 00:23:49,510 --> 00:23:51,470 Yeah, can we get two Long Island Iced Teas? 360 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:53,850 And put the chop-chop on that, lady. 361 00:23:54,020 --> 00:23:57,520 Could you make mine a double? And two shots of tequila, please. 362 00:24:03,530 --> 00:24:04,980 Okay, let's slow down, princess. 363 00:24:05,150 --> 00:24:08,070 You're getting sloshed like it's your prom night here. 364 00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:12,450 -I never went to prom. I never went. -No shock there. I believe that. 365 00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:14,450 I had the date, I had the dress. 366 00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:17,290 But prom was the night my dog bit my sister in the neck... 367 00:24:17,460 --> 00:24:19,210 -...and we had to put him down. -Shit. 368 00:24:19,370 --> 00:24:22,080 And I will never-- Oh, my goodness. 369 00:24:22,250 --> 00:24:24,880 --ever forget the horror in little Fraggle's eyes... 370 00:24:25,050 --> 00:24:28,090 ...as his paw went limp in my hand. 371 00:24:28,260 --> 00:24:31,050 It was horrible. Blood. It was just, like: 372 00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:34,220 I'm sure that's not the only thing that's gone limp in your hand. 373 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:37,270 I will say it. In all sincerity, that sucks hard. 374 00:24:37,430 --> 00:24:39,350 It's sad to lose a pet. 375 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,310 Where do they learn how to do this? 376 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,610 -Well, I taught them a few things. -I wanna know. 377 00:24:48,450 --> 00:24:50,570 That's incredible. 378 00:24:52,620 --> 00:24:54,700 What is that? 379 00:24:54,870 --> 00:24:58,120 -What is that? -I think we should just fuck tonight. 380 00:25:13,180 --> 00:25:15,760 That looks pretty. 381 00:25:15,930 --> 00:25:18,220 -I'm gonna go pee. -Got it. 382 00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:22,060 Hey, I can't talk. 383 00:25:22,230 --> 00:25:24,810 -Where are you? -I'm out, I'm seeing a band. 384 00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:27,610 They suck, but I'm seeing them so I really can't talk. 385 00:25:27,780 --> 00:25:30,940 -Put your "Guitar Hero" down. -What the fuck are you talking about? 386 00:25:31,110 --> 00:25:34,320 I'm not playing "Guitar Hero." It's Saturday night. I'm out. 387 00:25:34,490 --> 00:25:36,910 Just put it down. We have problems. 388 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:38,370 All right. What's the story? 389 00:25:38,540 --> 00:25:43,040 I am drunk and he's either the biggest asshole in America... 390 00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:46,170 ...or trying to convince me he's the biggest asshole in America. 391 00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:50,340 Either way, even a broken clock is right twice a day, but this guy-- 392 00:25:50,510 --> 00:25:53,180 Come on. How better to appreciate Dustin than to do this? 393 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:55,840 Than to bang this guy, who's obviously far inferior... 394 00:25:56,010 --> 00:25:59,060 ...but probably hung like Seabiscuit. Right? 395 00:25:59,220 --> 00:26:03,060 Now go. Go and bang. Bang like you have never "bung" before. 396 00:26:03,230 --> 00:26:05,810 And do it for Dustin. 397 00:26:07,690 --> 00:26:09,110 Jesus. 398 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:11,690 -Baby doll.... -Hi. 399 00:26:11,860 --> 00:26:13,200 -Hi. -I'm Alexis. 400 00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:15,240 -Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too. 401 00:26:15,410 --> 00:26:19,030 And when it comes to love, there's only one thing you can trust. 402 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,200 It's not your friends, it's not your head. 403 00:26:22,370 --> 00:26:25,790 It's that little voice inside your clamburger. 404 00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:31,920 "Listen to me." 405 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:43,230 Watch this. It's a game. It's called "Who's at the Door?" 406 00:26:43,390 --> 00:26:45,270 And I look out the peephole. 407 00:26:45,690 --> 00:26:47,400 It's the mailman. 408 00:26:52,030 --> 00:26:55,070 Would it hurt you to play with her tits? Help me out. 409 00:26:57,370 --> 00:26:59,030 You can stay there. That's good. 410 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,620 Oh, you grab that. I'll get the next one. 411 00:27:01,790 --> 00:27:04,160 -There won't be a next time. -Lucky me. 412 00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:14,420 And our motto, basically, is, "Without air, we--" 413 00:27:14,590 --> 00:27:17,090 "Without air, we cannot live." 414 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:18,680 -Stop. -Right. 415 00:27:18,850 --> 00:27:21,350 I get it. You're a dick. 416 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:23,930 I'm sufficiently offended. 417 00:27:24,270 --> 00:27:25,890 Done. 418 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,380 Coming up? 419 00:28:03,930 --> 00:28:05,890 Suit yourself. 420 00:28:07,980 --> 00:28:10,940 Enjoy the long ride home. 421 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:19,610 I'm going home, okay? 422 00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:21,780 Why am I going home? Because I'm going home. 423 00:28:22,740 --> 00:28:26,160 I'm getting in the car. Eyes in the game and the head in the ball. 424 00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,120 Can't do it. 425 00:28:28,290 --> 00:28:32,000 And you're gonna go home and maybe she'll call you manana. 426 00:28:32,170 --> 00:28:34,040 Why would she call me? She'll call Dusty. 427 00:28:34,210 --> 00:28:37,210 Because she's what? Dusty's girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball. 428 00:28:37,380 --> 00:28:40,090 She is Dusty's girlfriend. 429 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:42,720 Listen to me. 430 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:50,020 What is wrong with you, asshole? 431 00:29:02,910 --> 00:29:08,580 You asked me to trust you. 432 00:29:09,410 --> 00:29:12,330 -And I trusted you. -Done. 433 00:29:12,830 --> 00:29:14,000 Somehow. 434 00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:15,880 Some way. 435 00:29:18,300 --> 00:29:19,840 Thank you. 436 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,390 Dude, you did it. She just called. 437 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,270 Okay, quote, "I just had the worst night of my life." 438 00:29:29,430 --> 00:29:32,060 "I just had the worst night of my life." You did it, man. 439 00:29:32,230 --> 00:29:35,770 We're having lunch tomorrow. Tank, we're having lunch. Can you believe it? 440 00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:39,110 Dude, when it comes to being an asshole, you are a genius. 441 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,240 Genius. 442 00:29:44,370 --> 00:29:45,950 Anything for a friend. 443 00:29:47,450 --> 00:29:50,830 So about the other night. 444 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,040 Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid. 445 00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:56,960 It's just-- I've never gone this far with a girl, emotionally. 446 00:29:57,130 --> 00:29:59,090 -And I just lost it. -Slow down. Slow down. 447 00:29:59,260 --> 00:30:01,340 I was stupid and harsh... 448 00:30:01,510 --> 00:30:02,970 ...and I'm sorry. 449 00:30:03,130 --> 00:30:06,470 Last night I went out with a real asshole. Horrible. 450 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,220 It just made me realize that guys like you are so rare. 451 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,020 But it also made me realize how few guys I've dated. 452 00:30:14,190 --> 00:30:16,230 How few guys I've actually gone out with. 453 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,940 Like, none. I need to date and you need to date... 454 00:30:19,110 --> 00:30:22,030 ...other people. I'm just saying that-- 455 00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:26,490 What I'm trying to say is that I wanna start over as friends first. 456 00:30:26,660 --> 00:30:29,120 Like, be friends. 457 00:30:29,290 --> 00:30:31,660 I like you as my friend. 458 00:30:38,500 --> 00:30:40,300 Start over... 459 00:30:40,460 --> 00:30:42,670 -...as friends first. -Friends. 460 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:44,840 Like Harry and Sally. 461 00:30:48,220 --> 00:30:51,810 I think the point of that movie was that men and women can't just be friends. 462 00:30:51,970 --> 00:30:54,940 No, no, no, they can be just friends... 463 00:30:55,100 --> 00:30:57,940 ...even date other people, as long as they end up together... 464 00:30:58,110 --> 00:31:00,900 ...in the end. As long as they end up together, right? 465 00:31:01,070 --> 00:31:02,230 Yeah. 466 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:08,120 This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go because my sister is getting married. 467 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,280 It's an on-again, off-again, on-again thing. 468 00:31:10,450 --> 00:31:14,200 She's freaking out, treating me like her assistant so I'm running all over. 469 00:31:14,370 --> 00:31:16,870 I'm really glad we had this talk, you know? 470 00:31:19,460 --> 00:31:21,960 Dude. You check out that sandwich they got downstairs? 471 00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,420 Bread is, like, two slices of freaking pizza, man. 472 00:31:24,590 --> 00:31:25,880 Only in America. Fuck me. 473 00:31:26,050 --> 00:31:29,550 Clean air probably shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat. 474 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,680 I got a real fucking tough guy over here. 475 00:31:31,850 --> 00:31:35,310 I got a guy on the verge of a five-state killing spree. Do you wanna...? 476 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:37,640 Ready? Three, two, one. 477 00:31:37,810 --> 00:31:40,860 -Let me transfer you to my supervisor. -Let me transfer you to my supervisor. 478 00:31:41,020 --> 00:31:43,400 -Make me proud. -Kill it. 479 00:31:43,990 --> 00:31:46,070 Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay. 480 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,160 -How may I help you? -How may I help you? 481 00:31:49,990 --> 00:31:51,490 -Please hold. -Please hold. 482 00:31:54,330 --> 00:31:56,500 Treat her like a bowling ball. 483 00:31:56,660 --> 00:31:58,000 Strike. 484 00:31:58,170 --> 00:31:59,830 Dust, hold on one second, all right? 485 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,170 Sir, I looked into the problem and it'll actually fix itself. 486 00:32:03,340 --> 00:32:04,960 -What's up, kid? -You failed, Tank. 487 00:32:05,130 --> 00:32:07,010 She wants to see other people. 488 00:32:07,180 --> 00:32:08,970 She said she wants to see other people? 489 00:32:09,140 --> 00:32:11,680 She did. That's why you're gonna take her out again. 490 00:32:11,850 --> 00:32:14,430 Except this time, you're gonna get seriously diabolical. 491 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:17,020 I'm talking public defecation. 492 00:32:17,190 --> 00:32:20,770 Dust, you're freaking me out here, okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art. 493 00:32:20,940 --> 00:32:23,690 You can't go in there crazy like a dragon with a hemorrhoid. 494 00:32:23,860 --> 00:32:26,940 Besides, what makes you think she'd ever wanna speak to me again? 495 00:32:28,110 --> 00:32:30,030 Don't worry, I'm taking care of that. 496 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,530 No, you're not. You do-- Dust. 497 00:32:32,870 --> 00:32:34,370 Don't do anything, okay? Listen. 498 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:38,710 I have to teach a training seminar 10 minutes ago. Dusty? 499 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:42,170 All right. 500 00:32:44,050 --> 00:32:46,250 -You're late, Tank. -I know. 501 00:32:47,170 --> 00:32:48,800 -You're Tank, right? -Are you a cop? 502 00:32:48,970 --> 00:32:51,800 No, Roger's friend Sonny said you fix things. 503 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:53,140 Walk with me. 504 00:32:53,300 --> 00:32:54,390 -You're late. -Thank you. 505 00:32:54,560 --> 00:32:57,770 I'm going crazy without her. Shit-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy. 506 00:32:57,930 --> 00:32:59,020 -You're late. -Shut up. 507 00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:01,560 Okay, religious girl. How do I bump into her? 508 00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:02,850 -You're late. -No shit. 509 00:33:03,020 --> 00:33:04,860 She's a high-school English teacher. 510 00:33:05,020 --> 00:33:08,240 Guy can't really hang around a high school these days, unfortunately. 511 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,360 -She gets her hair done Tuesdays. -Love it. 512 00:33:10,530 --> 00:33:14,200 What'd you do? Foot in your mouth? Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts. 513 00:33:14,370 --> 00:33:17,660 Let's say you're gonna have to be a real asshole to make me look good. 514 00:33:17,830 --> 00:33:19,330 It's what I do. 515 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:21,750 -You're late. -Yes. 516 00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:24,170 Everybody, you're late. Don't let it happen again. 517 00:33:24,340 --> 00:33:25,670 I'm Tank and I will be brief. 518 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:28,260 Here at Airmeister we have two rules. 519 00:33:28,420 --> 00:33:30,420 No refunds. 520 00:33:30,590 --> 00:33:34,590 The beauty of an air purifier is that nobody can prove that it doesn't work. 521 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:38,100 Amanda, you saucy tart. I want somebody really pissed off. 522 00:33:38,270 --> 00:33:40,600 I'm talking about DEFCON 2 level of anger. 523 00:33:40,770 --> 00:33:42,100 Who do you got for me, baby? 524 00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:46,310 I have just the one for you. She's furious and asked for you by name. 525 00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,070 Put her through. 526 00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:54,530 Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction. How may I help you? 527 00:33:54,700 --> 00:33:56,620 Before we even discuss what I received... 528 00:33:56,780 --> 00:33:58,540 ...which is a whole other mystery... 529 00:33:58,700 --> 00:34:00,620 ...I demand an explanation for yesterday. 530 00:34:00,790 --> 00:34:03,830 Ma'am, I'm fully concerned. What happened yesterday? 531 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,130 Are you gay? Or are you just an asshole? 532 00:34:06,290 --> 00:34:11,010 Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous because no verbal affront... 533 00:34:11,170 --> 00:34:14,380 ...could be as devastating to me as your dissatisfaction. 534 00:34:14,550 --> 00:34:17,430 -Dissatisfaction? -Yes, I mean if the unit's performance... 535 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:20,720 ...or lack thereof has left you frustrated-- 536 00:34:20,890 --> 00:34:24,230 See, I never saw your unit. I gave you a chance and you didn't deliver. 537 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,150 Ma'am, you're upset. 538 00:34:26,310 --> 00:34:30,280 I'm upset. I'm upset that you will never, ever know what it's like... 539 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:34,360 ...to sit on a hot, sweaty summer night... 540 00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:38,330 ...and let that unit blow its glorious bounty all over your face. 541 00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,450 You think after the shit you put me through... 542 00:34:41,620 --> 00:34:45,420 ...that I called just so you could talk dirty to me? 543 00:34:45,580 --> 00:34:48,170 I gave you a one-time free hall pass for sex. 544 00:34:48,340 --> 00:34:49,880 Good sex. Hot sex. 545 00:34:50,050 --> 00:34:52,920 I-- I-- I fucking roofied myself. 546 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:56,430 I'm a little confused. Amanda? 547 00:34:56,590 --> 00:34:58,430 You're confused? That makes two of us... 548 00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,720 ...because I don't know what kind of asshole acts like an asshole... 549 00:35:01,890 --> 00:35:05,980 ...and then when it actually comes time to be an asshole, walks away. 550 00:35:06,150 --> 00:35:08,020 Like a total asshole. 551 00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:10,860 Making me look like an even bigger asshole... 552 00:35:11,030 --> 00:35:16,280 ...for offering some big-ass asshole asshole-sex in the first place. 553 00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:18,490 What kind of asshole are you? 554 00:35:20,950 --> 00:35:23,200 This is actually a personal call. 555 00:35:23,410 --> 00:35:25,210 Dude, you are so hired. 556 00:35:25,620 --> 00:35:27,540 Excuse me for a second. 557 00:35:27,880 --> 00:35:29,290 Shit. 558 00:35:29,710 --> 00:35:31,000 Asshole. 559 00:35:46,020 --> 00:35:48,690 Sorry. Offer expired. 560 00:35:54,780 --> 00:35:59,320 Did you really think roses and a poem would give you a second chance? 561 00:35:59,490 --> 00:36:01,910 You rhymed "apology" with "apologetically." 562 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:04,490 -I'm-- -I just felt bad, okay? 563 00:36:04,660 --> 00:36:06,660 You're right, I do owe you an explanation. 564 00:36:06,830 --> 00:36:09,370 I didn't sleep with you because you're not attractive. 565 00:36:09,540 --> 00:36:10,920 -There, I said it. -Oh, thanks. 566 00:36:11,090 --> 00:36:13,170 Thank you so much because you saved me... 567 00:36:13,340 --> 00:36:15,960 ...from what could've been the worst decision of my life. 568 00:36:16,130 --> 00:36:18,260 -And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana. -One-nothing. 569 00:36:18,430 --> 00:36:21,090 You're below my standards. Even for a one-night pity fuck. 570 00:36:21,260 --> 00:36:25,430 -And I've taken down some real hogs. -Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep. 571 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,060 I bet your sex life is a regular heavy-petting zoo. 572 00:36:28,230 --> 00:36:30,440 You know what? You're what we call a two-bagger. 573 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:32,650 That means I have to wear a bag on my head... 574 00:36:32,820 --> 00:36:35,150 ...just in case the one on yours breaks. 575 00:36:35,610 --> 00:36:37,320 You sure it's not just a size thing? 576 00:36:37,490 --> 00:36:41,320 Because it's gotta be tough standing at a urinal, pissing on your own testicles. 577 00:36:41,490 --> 00:36:43,450 At least I can hide my shame in my pants. 578 00:36:43,620 --> 00:36:45,330 What really sucks is having an ass... 579 00:36:45,490 --> 00:36:49,120 ...the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey. That suck-- 580 00:36:49,870 --> 00:36:51,670 -Don't-- -You think that's too big? 581 00:36:51,830 --> 00:36:54,170 You think that's too small? 582 00:37:12,310 --> 00:37:15,020 So you said do nothing, but I did something, totally small. 583 00:37:15,190 --> 00:37:18,400 I sent her a couple hundred bucks worth of roses and a kick-ass poem. 584 00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:20,450 A few stanzas, no big deal. Did she call? 585 00:37:20,860 --> 00:37:22,110 No, she didn't. 586 00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:25,160 Dusty, these women, they have a way of getting into our head. 587 00:37:25,330 --> 00:37:27,330 I'm gonna give you some fresh perspective. 588 00:37:27,500 --> 00:37:29,540 Listen to me. This girl, I'm getting a hunch. 589 00:37:29,710 --> 00:37:31,000 She's built for destruction. 590 00:37:31,250 --> 00:37:34,000 It's time to let her go. Maybe get some-- You know. 591 00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,500 Just let her go. Move on. 592 00:37:35,670 --> 00:37:38,340 I love her, Tank. I care more about this girl than I do myself. 593 00:37:38,510 --> 00:37:40,880 -You will never understand that. -It's new to me. 594 00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:43,300 She said she wants to be friends. 595 00:37:45,260 --> 00:37:48,430 You know what? I'll give her a friend. 596 00:37:48,890 --> 00:37:50,270 I'll be the best goddamn friend she ever had. 597 00:38:21,470 --> 00:38:22,760 Today was a good day for us. 598 00:38:22,930 --> 00:38:25,300 We made eye contact, although I couldn't gauge-- 599 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:27,760 I gotta run. 600 00:38:39,530 --> 00:38:40,530 Turn. 601 00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:49,830 She's really tough to read. 602 00:38:49,990 --> 00:38:51,370 Really tough to read. 603 00:38:51,540 --> 00:38:55,920 I felt like.... I felt like she was a bit distracted. 604 00:38:58,340 --> 00:39:00,670 Totally. Hey, can we do this later? 605 00:39:36,620 --> 00:39:38,460 It's hot. 606 00:39:43,130 --> 00:39:44,800 Where you going? 607 00:40:08,200 --> 00:40:10,450 She's seeing someone. 608 00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:14,040 Dusty. 609 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,790 What are you doing? You're scaring the shit out of me. 610 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:19,580 Sitting in the dark like a vampire, you creepy weirdo. 611 00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:21,790 She's seeing someone. 612 00:40:22,880 --> 00:40:26,460 We don't go out at night. I get her voice mail after 10. 613 00:40:26,630 --> 00:40:28,680 She's seeing someone. 614 00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,550 -And I'm gonna find out who. -I'm gonna take back "weirdo." 615 00:40:31,720 --> 00:40:34,310 You're giving off more of a full-blown serial psycho... 616 00:40:34,470 --> 00:40:36,350 ...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros vibe. 617 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:37,850 Stop. Intervention time. 618 00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:40,560 It's time to forget about Alexis. Look at me, all right? 619 00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:45,480 It's time to wipe the cobwebs off your cock and stick something. 620 00:40:45,780 --> 00:40:47,610 I don't think she'd be cool with that. 621 00:40:47,780 --> 00:40:51,280 Look at me, please. You definitely-- You don't need her permission. 622 00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:52,660 You need to get laid. 623 00:40:52,830 --> 00:40:55,620 And if you'll listen to me, I bet I could make that happen. 624 00:40:55,790 --> 00:40:59,080 This is one of the most important things that any man can do. 625 00:40:59,250 --> 00:41:00,750 A haircut? 626 00:41:01,170 --> 00:41:03,130 Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me. 627 00:41:03,290 --> 00:41:05,630 You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby... 628 00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:08,210 ...the baby took a shit, and that shit was blinded... 629 00:41:08,380 --> 00:41:10,090 ...moments before styling your hair. 630 00:41:10,260 --> 00:41:13,140 -A bit harsh. -Appointment for Dusty, please. 631 00:41:13,300 --> 00:41:15,010 Grab a seat. 632 00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:19,390 Great article. I've read that. Sorry to interrupt. 633 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:23,190 My associate here is looking for a stylist he can trust. 634 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:27,610 And this place was recommended to us by a woman in our prayer group. 635 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,650 Well, is he looking for something simple or...? 636 00:41:30,820 --> 00:41:33,490 Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do. 637 00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:39,830 -I'm Hilary. -Hilary, my name is Tank. 638 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:41,910 -This is Dustin. -Hi. 639 00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:47,170 So I've got an $85 haircut so you could have a meet-cute? 640 00:41:47,340 --> 00:41:49,340 Oh, it's $110. Worth every penny. 641 00:41:49,510 --> 00:41:51,420 In return, I'm gonna get you a date with-- 642 00:41:51,590 --> 00:41:55,390 Let's just call her a confidence booster. A slow, fat one down the middle. 643 00:41:55,550 --> 00:41:57,140 I hope that's a baseball metaphor. 644 00:41:57,310 --> 00:42:00,430 This pitch is in your wheelhouse. Grand slam, upper deck. Game over. 645 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,230 -Hey, beauty queen. -Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry. 646 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,480 I've got these little-- Is there any way--? 647 00:42:05,650 --> 00:42:07,440 Yeah. 648 00:42:08,570 --> 00:42:10,110 -Shit. -I'm so sorry. 649 00:42:10,280 --> 00:42:12,650 No, I'm sorry. Sorry. 650 00:42:12,820 --> 00:42:16,620 -Is there any other way we could--? -Yeah, okay. 651 00:42:16,780 --> 00:42:19,290 Guess what. We're all set for tonight. 652 00:42:19,910 --> 00:42:21,660 Okay, hold still. 653 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:26,170 What about, like, frosting my tips? 654 00:42:26,340 --> 00:42:27,630 What are you, a Mini-Wheat? 655 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:30,710 Listen, this girl's not Alexis. She's got a bed built for sex... 656 00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,010 -...not stuffed animals. -Wait, what? 657 00:42:33,180 --> 00:42:36,140 How do you know that Alexis has stuffed animals on her bed? 658 00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:46,600 -Wait. -Oh, my. 659 00:42:46,770 --> 00:42:49,480 -Fuck. -Oh, my God-- 660 00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:52,110 This stuff happens in salons. Sometimes it's fixable. 661 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:54,280 -Tell him it's fixable. -I'm gonna throw up. 662 00:42:54,450 --> 00:42:56,280 Makeup, little shading, maybe some glue. 663 00:42:56,450 --> 00:42:57,910 How about an eyebrow toupee? 664 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:00,240 -Where's my eyebrow? -I don't know what to say. 665 00:43:00,410 --> 00:43:03,330 Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me! Where's my eyebrow? 666 00:43:03,500 --> 00:43:04,580 That's a new look. 667 00:43:04,750 --> 00:43:07,580 -You can fix it, right? -Sure, just pop into my DeLorean. 668 00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,460 -It's in the back. -Don't be a bitch. 669 00:43:09,630 --> 00:43:12,670 -You're the bitch, bitch. -Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend. 670 00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,510 -He's follicly deformed. -Fuck my fucking mother. 671 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:19,260 Let's come up with this-- Dusty, unless one's missing, nobody's gonna notice. 672 00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:20,560 Yeah. 673 00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:24,520 -Come here. Come here, sit down. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 674 00:43:25,140 --> 00:43:27,230 You gotta be brave, man. 675 00:43:28,230 --> 00:43:30,020 Oh, my God. 676 00:43:30,610 --> 00:43:32,480 -Do it. It's good. -Come on. It's gonna-- 677 00:43:32,650 --> 00:43:35,030 You know what? I think it's gonna look great. 678 00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,570 -Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -It's gonna be really hot. 679 00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,660 -It better be hot. -Yeah. 680 00:43:44,710 --> 00:43:46,460 Fuck. 681 00:43:47,170 --> 00:43:49,830 Bad, bad times. 682 00:43:51,630 --> 00:43:53,460 Oh, my fucking shit. 683 00:43:55,220 --> 00:43:56,840 I'm coming. 684 00:43:59,550 --> 00:44:01,970 Oh, those are lovely. 685 00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:06,560 And I see you've got a hairstyle change. 686 00:44:06,730 --> 00:44:09,600 -True. -Come on. I won't bite. 687 00:44:09,770 --> 00:44:12,020 I'm sorry, I was-- 688 00:44:13,820 --> 00:44:15,900 They told me you were taller. 689 00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:19,740 Just for peace of mind, the father of this child is...? 690 00:44:19,910 --> 00:44:23,490 In the middle of a brutal divorce with the mother of this child. 691 00:44:23,660 --> 00:44:24,700 Here you go. 692 00:44:24,870 --> 00:44:27,160 Lilies. Thoughtful. 693 00:44:28,870 --> 00:44:30,670 My friend said he was one of the good guys. 694 00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:34,340 I've been known to be a bit of a dog sometimes. 695 00:44:35,260 --> 00:44:36,710 -Should I take those? -Oh, yes. 696 00:44:38,340 --> 00:44:40,380 I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late. 697 00:44:40,550 --> 00:44:43,350 Can I get you something to drink, cutie? 698 00:44:45,270 --> 00:44:47,100 I'll have what he's having. 699 00:44:47,270 --> 00:44:49,690 -What the fuck? -What just happened? 700 00:44:49,850 --> 00:44:52,270 -He just said he wants-- -I just, I said-- 701 00:44:52,440 --> 00:44:54,650 He looked at Liam, licked his lips and said: 702 00:44:54,820 --> 00:44:57,400 -"I'll have what he's having." -Okay, but what I meant-- 703 00:44:57,570 --> 00:44:58,780 You wanna breast-feed. 704 00:44:58,950 --> 00:45:00,280 I was just joking-- 705 00:45:00,450 --> 00:45:01,860 -Can we just start over? -Hi. 706 00:45:02,030 --> 00:45:05,660 -I just wanna start-- -Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter. 707 00:45:05,830 --> 00:45:08,910 Groucho here made a mark about suckling at my teat... 708 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:11,290 ...and stealing my baby's milk... 709 00:45:11,460 --> 00:45:13,630 -...and is consequently leaving. -Okay. 710 00:45:13,790 --> 00:45:16,000 -Get the fuck out! -Okay, I'm really sorry. 711 00:45:16,170 --> 00:45:18,460 -I'm just-- I'm sorry. -No. No more. Just get out. 712 00:45:18,630 --> 00:45:21,180 -I'm really sorry. -Go, go. 713 00:45:22,260 --> 00:45:23,800 Come here. 714 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,100 You got shot down... 715 00:45:31,270 --> 00:45:34,310 ...in a blaze of glory. 716 00:45:35,150 --> 00:45:37,150 You cost me a job, man. 717 00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:41,400 I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. How much...? 718 00:45:41,570 --> 00:45:44,370 -Forty-- Fifty if it's past 11 . -Okay. 719 00:45:44,530 --> 00:45:47,660 Here's 60 for your trouble. I'm really sorry. 720 00:45:47,830 --> 00:45:49,580 Sweet. 721 00:45:49,750 --> 00:45:53,580 Hey, for another 60, I'll jerk you off in the parking garage. 722 00:45:54,460 --> 00:45:58,170 Jesus. Do I really look that desperate? 723 00:46:25,990 --> 00:46:30,290 Alexis! 724 00:46:31,250 --> 00:46:32,960 Alexis, I love you! 725 00:46:33,420 --> 00:46:37,330 I love you, Alexis. I can't just be friends, okay? 726 00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:40,130 Alexis, come to the door. 727 00:46:42,470 --> 00:46:44,220 Come on. 728 00:46:45,220 --> 00:46:46,300 -Oh, Dobler. -Hey, hey. 729 00:46:46,470 --> 00:46:50,390 Hi there. I'm so sorry, your BFF's upstairs with another guy. 730 00:46:50,810 --> 00:46:53,140 Holy shit, what is going on with your eyebrows? 731 00:46:53,310 --> 00:46:57,190 -Seriously, I think there's something-- -I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there? 732 00:46:57,360 --> 00:47:00,150 But they're just hanging out, right? Is she seeing this guy? 733 00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:02,440 No, no, no. No, no, just an occasional bang. 734 00:47:02,610 --> 00:47:05,070 No, no. God, no. How many times have they gone out? 735 00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:08,370 -How many times have they--? Not-- -They don't go out ever. 736 00:47:08,530 --> 00:47:11,410 No, he just comes over and he bangs, and then he leaves. 737 00:47:11,910 --> 00:47:14,040 -What? -You know, she's doing this all for you. 738 00:47:14,210 --> 00:47:17,710 Think about it. She's up there with her knees by her ears, getting railed... 739 00:47:17,880 --> 00:47:20,590 ...so one day she can settle down with a nice boy like you. 740 00:47:20,750 --> 00:47:22,300 -I love her. I love her. -Dustin. 741 00:47:22,460 --> 00:47:25,340 -You'd better be ready. I'm serious. -Alexis. 742 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:28,050 Alexis. Ale-- 743 00:47:31,310 --> 00:47:34,180 Dustin, what are you doing here? 744 00:47:35,020 --> 00:47:37,440 -What is he doing here? -Well, this is my-- 745 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,400 It's Tank. 746 00:47:41,110 --> 00:47:44,070 -This is the guy you're with? -No, I'm not with anyone. 747 00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:46,070 I'm not-- We're not together. 748 00:47:46,240 --> 00:47:49,030 I mean, no offense, Tank, but we're not.... 749 00:47:49,240 --> 00:47:51,870 I told you. I told you that I was gonna get out there... 750 00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:54,870 ...and I was gonna see other people and I was gonna date... 751 00:47:55,040 --> 00:47:57,040 ...and get some experience under my belt... 752 00:47:57,210 --> 00:48:01,290 ...and live my life a little bit. For once in my life, do something like that... 753 00:48:01,460 --> 00:48:03,710 ...and that's exactly what I'm doing. 754 00:48:06,880 --> 00:48:08,840 -Should I go? -Yes. 755 00:48:09,340 --> 00:48:10,550 -I'm gonna go. -No, no, no. 756 00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:11,720 -Yeah. Yeah. -Tank. 757 00:48:11,890 --> 00:48:14,350 -You know what? I'll go. -No, you don't go, you stay. 758 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,850 I should get going, I have a big day tomorrow. My roommate's moving out. 759 00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:19,060 I have shit to do too. 760 00:48:19,230 --> 00:48:20,400 -Really? -Bye. 761 00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:22,650 -I'll call you later. -I'll call you later. 762 00:48:22,820 --> 00:48:24,150 -No, after you. -No, you go. 763 00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:26,110 No, no, please, Tank. You go first. 764 00:48:26,280 --> 00:48:27,900 -All right. -Fine. 765 00:48:31,580 --> 00:48:33,950 -How can I trust you? -I don't know. 766 00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:37,910 Hey, I wasn't kidding. You're out by tomorrow morning. 767 00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,920 Dusty.... 768 00:48:52,100 --> 00:48:53,850 I thought so. 769 00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:02,270 So we remember the words of Betty Friedan: 770 00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:06,690 "A woman has got to be able to say, and not feel guilty: 771 00:49:08,110 --> 00:49:09,780 'Who am I... 772 00:49:10,740 --> 00:49:13,370 ...and what do I want out of life?"' 773 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,660 That's why my Women's Studies program will be focused... 774 00:49:16,830 --> 00:49:21,460 ...on the liberation, celebration and exploration... 775 00:49:25,170 --> 00:49:26,590 ...of you... 776 00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,800 ...and you... 777 00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:36,390 ...and you. 778 00:49:38,180 --> 00:49:42,140 Enjoy your weekend, and please try to do so responsibly. 779 00:49:45,020 --> 00:49:47,900 The man is Oprah. 780 00:49:52,780 --> 00:49:55,740 Would you all excuse me for just one second, please? 781 00:50:00,540 --> 00:50:02,500 -Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. -Hey, Dad. 782 00:50:02,830 --> 00:50:06,750 If there's anything else I can get for you, I'm always available, professor. 783 00:50:06,920 --> 00:50:11,170 One of my teaching assistants, and a very hard-working young woman. 784 00:50:16,350 --> 00:50:21,020 Last night, I fucked her within an inch of her life. 785 00:50:21,180 --> 00:50:24,020 True story. I'm jamming her head through the headboard... 786 00:50:24,190 --> 00:50:26,560 ...I flip her over, she screams, "Give me a choker." 787 00:50:26,730 --> 00:50:29,980 I play the choirboy, "What's that?" Star wipe to five minutes later... 788 00:50:30,150 --> 00:50:33,070 ...she's bucking like an epileptic at a strobe-light convention. 789 00:50:33,240 --> 00:50:34,280 I'm getting scared. 790 00:50:34,450 --> 00:50:37,240 As I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head, she goes: 791 00:50:41,370 --> 00:50:43,460 Like an air bag. 792 00:50:45,830 --> 00:50:47,130 Now, that's a Tuesday night. 793 00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:49,130 You got a good gig, Dad. 794 00:50:50,460 --> 00:50:51,510 How you doing, son? 795 00:50:53,680 --> 00:50:54,720 Dusty kicked me out. 796 00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:58,300 In all fairness, I was accidentally sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend... 797 00:50:58,470 --> 00:51:01,020 ...but I feel like shit. 798 00:51:01,180 --> 00:51:03,390 Son, let me tell you a story. 799 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:06,350 December, 1977, your mother, God rest her soul... 800 00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:08,900 ...throws one of her infamous pot potlucks... 801 00:51:09,070 --> 00:51:12,570 ...and I find myself sozzled in the boathouse with your Aunt Francie. 802 00:51:12,740 --> 00:51:15,200 Now today, some might consider her to be zaftig... 803 00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:18,320 ...but back then, she could really hang a sundress. 804 00:51:18,490 --> 00:51:21,370 How I yearned for her. 805 00:51:21,540 --> 00:51:24,370 But I refrained because it was your mother's sister. 806 00:51:24,540 --> 00:51:27,580 -I get it. I fucked up. -No. No. 807 00:51:27,750 --> 00:51:31,000 The point is, is that two days later, I banged the shit out of her... 808 00:51:31,170 --> 00:51:34,920 ...in the back of a Bonneville while your mother filled my prescription. 809 00:51:36,470 --> 00:51:38,180 Best Pontiac sex I've ever had. 810 00:51:40,180 --> 00:51:42,100 Okay, so you approve? 811 00:51:44,180 --> 00:51:48,520 Guilt is just one more thing trying to asphyxiate us during sex. 812 00:51:48,690 --> 00:51:52,190 You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV, you feel better, you cheat again. 813 00:52:01,700 --> 00:52:03,910 All right, you know what? This girl's different. 814 00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:08,210 She's smart, she's cool, she's tough, she's a 10. 815 00:52:09,500 --> 00:52:13,630 Ms. Barber, I must apologize for my son's antiquated phraseology. 816 00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,130 Out of desperation, he continues to assess women... 817 00:52:16,300 --> 00:52:17,630 ...a base-10 value number... 818 00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:20,140 ...predicated solely on their physical countenance. 819 00:52:20,300 --> 00:52:21,890 That's.... 820 00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:25,100 -That's wrong, Sherman. -No problem. 821 00:52:33,360 --> 00:52:36,820 I moved from numbers a long time ago. You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A. 822 00:52:36,990 --> 00:52:40,110 That's ass-up polyurethane. Really talking about a one through nine. 823 00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,620 It was too constricting. I'm all about the letters now. 824 00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:45,490 J. 825 00:52:47,500 --> 00:52:49,080 She smells like a J. 826 00:52:49,420 --> 00:52:51,000 But that cougar over there. 827 00:52:51,170 --> 00:52:53,000 -She's a solid L. -Okay, wait a second. 828 00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:55,300 That woman is 62, that wrap is a shawl... 829 00:52:55,460 --> 00:52:58,130 ...that L is a Y, and there's a reason they call them Y's. 830 00:52:58,300 --> 00:53:00,050 -Come on. -Check it. 831 00:53:00,590 --> 00:53:03,510 No, good call, Sherm, good call. 832 00:53:03,720 --> 00:53:05,680 I've gotta get that Lasik. 833 00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:09,480 -So you gonna wing me or what? -What's the game plan? 834 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:12,310 Being an educator, I like to stick to the school grades... 835 00:53:12,480 --> 00:53:15,070 ...A, B, C and D. You, on the other hand... 836 00:53:15,230 --> 00:53:17,690 ...should stay with the back 13, thin out the herd. 837 00:53:17,860 --> 00:53:19,900 Thanks, Dad. I'm off the market right now. 838 00:53:20,070 --> 00:53:22,610 I told you about this girl. You know, she.... 839 00:53:22,780 --> 00:53:24,530 The other night, we're making love... 840 00:53:24,700 --> 00:53:27,160 ...and we're just laying there afterwards and.... 841 00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:29,830 -Sharing the silence? -Yeah. 842 00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:32,290 What the fuck is wrong with you? 843 00:53:32,460 --> 00:53:34,330 "Making love"? What are you, Nora Ephron? 844 00:53:34,500 --> 00:53:36,040 Is this some Redbook interview? 845 00:53:36,210 --> 00:53:38,670 You sound like Liberace's stylist's boyfriend. 846 00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:41,720 "Let's just enjoy the silences and the caprice together." 847 00:53:41,890 --> 00:53:44,720 -I have no son. I have no son. -Dad, I dig this girl. 848 00:53:44,890 --> 00:53:47,010 Good, keep talking. And while you're talking... 849 00:53:47,180 --> 00:53:49,640 ...there are cougars on my right who are clocking us. 850 00:53:49,810 --> 00:53:52,310 -Can you listen? -Soon as you put on your safari hat... 851 00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:56,060 -...and grab your gun. -Dad, can you just stay here with me? 852 00:53:56,520 --> 00:53:57,570 Of course I can, son. 853 00:53:57,730 --> 00:54:01,030 Since you fucked my chances with the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting. 854 00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:04,160 Not to mention the gay-caress maneuver for the hearing-impaired. 855 00:54:04,320 --> 00:54:06,740 Can't you just be my Dad for five fucking seconds? 856 00:54:06,910 --> 00:54:11,080 Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real father-son bullshit. Right this way. 857 00:54:11,250 --> 00:54:14,500 That girl was dating Dusty, which means she's out of your league. 858 00:54:14,830 --> 00:54:16,170 She was slumming it, Sherman. 859 00:54:17,840 --> 00:54:21,420 "Now, the truth may set you free, but first it's gonna piss you off." 860 00:54:21,590 --> 00:54:23,130 Gloria Steinem said that. 861 00:54:29,350 --> 00:54:31,640 My son, the booty call. 862 00:54:32,350 --> 00:54:36,150 Thanks for the advice, professor. 863 00:54:44,070 --> 00:54:45,820 Shit. 864 00:55:02,470 --> 00:55:04,550 That was insane. 865 00:55:09,640 --> 00:55:11,520 It was insane, right? 866 00:55:16,060 --> 00:55:17,520 It was.... 867 00:55:21,730 --> 00:55:24,320 I gotta work tomorrow. 868 00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,570 Everybody's gotta work tomorrow. 869 00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:35,750 You don't want me to stay tonight. 870 00:55:37,210 --> 00:55:40,380 -I just sort of feel like it's-- -Yeah. 871 00:55:42,420 --> 00:55:44,510 Totally understandable. 872 00:55:45,380 --> 00:55:46,590 Yeah. 873 00:57:26,480 --> 00:57:28,360 Hi. 874 00:57:28,740 --> 00:57:30,900 What happened to 8? 875 00:57:31,070 --> 00:57:34,320 -Eight's good. -But you're an hour late. 876 00:57:34,830 --> 00:57:36,240 Can we make it 9? 877 00:57:36,410 --> 00:57:38,700 I thought you wanted to get drinks before dinner. 878 00:57:38,870 --> 00:57:42,210 I did. And I did. 879 00:57:42,380 --> 00:57:44,580 Well, I'm not getting in a car with you. 880 00:57:44,750 --> 00:57:47,880 Like I tell my students, even one drink is one drink too many. 881 00:57:48,050 --> 00:57:52,050 No vehicle necessary, teach. The place we're going is right here. 882 00:57:52,220 --> 00:57:54,140 It's good. Let's go. 883 00:58:07,730 --> 00:58:10,030 This is wrong. 884 00:58:11,070 --> 00:58:12,570 Let's eat. 885 00:58:12,740 --> 00:58:14,280 Right there. 886 00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:19,410 I'm starving. 887 00:58:21,790 --> 00:58:24,830 Welcome to Cheesus Crust, where pizza is a religious experience. 888 00:58:25,000 --> 00:58:26,840 How can I ordain your order? 889 00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:29,920 How is the Pizza of Nazareth? 890 00:58:30,090 --> 00:58:32,090 People worship it. 891 00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:36,930 -I'm deeply offended. -Me too. 892 00:58:37,100 --> 00:58:38,390 These prices are outrageous. 893 00:58:38,560 --> 00:58:40,770 Which is why I carry my Flavor Savior card. 894 00:58:40,930 --> 00:58:45,100 Fifteen percent off, all who eat here religiously. 895 00:58:46,400 --> 00:58:48,520 Do you think this is funny? 896 00:58:51,650 --> 00:58:53,280 Good night. 897 00:58:54,700 --> 00:58:57,450 -You people are sinners! -You should have thought of that... 898 00:58:57,620 --> 00:59:01,040 ...19 years ago before you stopped my mom from going into that clinic. 899 00:59:01,200 --> 00:59:02,950 Have a blessed day. 900 00:59:06,130 --> 00:59:07,880 Fastest ever. 901 00:59:31,900 --> 00:59:34,110 Even Jesus had to eat. 902 00:59:34,860 --> 00:59:37,950 -Don't. -It was a bad date. 903 00:59:38,620 --> 00:59:41,830 Well, it was supposed to be a nice night out. 904 00:59:41,990 --> 00:59:44,700 You know, my last boyfriend never took me anywhere. 905 00:59:44,870 --> 00:59:46,370 Ever. 906 00:59:46,540 --> 00:59:49,380 He'd text me late at night to come hang out at his place... 907 00:59:49,540 --> 00:59:52,840 ...like he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. 908 00:59:53,010 --> 00:59:56,800 -Please don't cry. Wait. Please? -I'd make excuses for him, you know? 909 00:59:56,970 --> 00:59:59,050 He's not using me, I'm using him. 910 00:59:59,220 --> 01:00:03,310 -And I'm in total control-- -Total control and it's not that serious. 911 01:00:03,470 --> 01:00:05,180 -Yeah. -Yeah. 912 01:00:05,350 --> 01:00:06,600 But when that phone rang... 913 01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:09,230 -...my heart leapt, and I was there. -Totally. 914 01:00:09,400 --> 01:00:13,230 And now I finally get the chance to go out on a real date and it's with you. 915 01:00:13,400 --> 01:00:17,530 -I know, that sucks. -No, you suck. 916 01:00:17,700 --> 01:00:21,070 I do. I do suck. 917 01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:23,080 I suck. 918 01:00:27,210 --> 01:00:30,080 You must be hungry. Let's go eat. 919 01:00:32,500 --> 01:00:38,260 My senior year, I take this girl on a date-- Horrible, date from hell. 920 01:00:38,430 --> 01:00:41,470 About a week later, this frat boy comes up and he says to me: 921 01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:44,220 "Only you could make me look good." 922 01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:47,600 All right? I laughed... 923 01:00:47,770 --> 01:00:51,810 ...until one of his buddies then came to me and was like: 924 01:00:51,980 --> 01:00:54,190 "Can you help me with my ex?" 925 01:00:54,360 --> 01:00:57,490 -Tank was born. -Yeah. Yeah, really. 926 01:01:01,450 --> 01:01:04,780 -I'm sorry. -I understand. 927 01:01:06,080 --> 01:01:07,450 But... 928 01:01:07,870 --> 01:01:09,120 ...do you enjoy it? 929 01:01:09,290 --> 01:01:11,580 I'm good at it. I'm good at being an asshole. 930 01:01:12,380 --> 01:01:14,090 It's what I do. 931 01:01:14,630 --> 01:01:17,460 -You're like the anti-Cupid. -More like the Antichrist. 932 01:01:19,800 --> 01:01:21,300 Sorry. 933 01:01:21,470 --> 01:01:24,760 -Sorry. -It's all right. 934 01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:28,770 You know, in a cruel, twisted way... 935 01:01:28,930 --> 01:01:31,560 ...you give couples a second chance. 936 01:01:31,730 --> 01:01:33,230 You're a closet romantic. 937 01:01:33,980 --> 01:01:36,820 -I don't know about that. -You are. 938 01:01:37,440 --> 01:01:39,650 You know you have to confront this girl, Alexis. 939 01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:44,410 I can't. 940 01:01:44,580 --> 01:01:47,330 If you don't do this, she will never take you seriously. 941 01:01:47,500 --> 01:01:50,500 You need to march up there and tell her how you feel. 942 01:01:51,170 --> 01:01:52,830 Alexis. 943 01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,210 Alexis, it's Tank. 944 01:01:57,590 --> 01:01:59,010 Yeah. 945 01:02:02,220 --> 01:02:04,180 I'm just gonna say this. I'm gonna say it. 946 01:02:04,350 --> 01:02:07,810 If you value this, us, we... 947 01:02:07,970 --> 01:02:11,850 ...then you will let me take you on a proper date. 948 01:02:12,020 --> 01:02:13,850 -In public. -It's 2 a.m. in the morning. 949 01:02:14,020 --> 01:02:15,860 Can we do the proper date another time? 950 01:02:19,650 --> 01:02:21,110 -Tomorrow. -Yes. 951 01:02:21,280 --> 01:02:22,860 Proper date. In public. 952 01:02:23,450 --> 01:02:24,530 -Get some-- -Good night. 953 01:02:24,700 --> 01:02:26,910 -Good night. -Nice shirt. 954 01:02:44,050 --> 01:02:45,510 Oh, you've gotta be kidding me. 955 01:02:49,140 --> 01:02:51,270 This is for you. Have to have a corsage. 956 01:02:51,430 --> 01:02:53,730 Oh, my God. 957 01:02:53,890 --> 01:02:57,230 -You gotta be kidding me. -No, I'm not. 958 01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:00,440 I never went to prom. 959 01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:02,320 I remember. 960 01:03:05,070 --> 01:03:07,160 Oh, yeah, that's right. 961 01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:16,790 She's got a shank. You might wanna actually focus on her. 962 01:03:16,960 --> 01:03:20,210 -They're with me, okay? Thanks. -Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon. 963 01:03:20,380 --> 01:03:22,920 -Hi. Nice to meet you. -Hi. 964 01:03:23,670 --> 01:03:24,720 Thank you. 965 01:03:26,220 --> 01:03:27,550 You two kids have fun. 966 01:03:32,430 --> 01:03:34,430 I'm having fun. 967 01:03:34,600 --> 01:03:38,440 Let's set the stage here. You're 17 years old. 968 01:03:38,610 --> 01:03:41,440 As you make the mistake of heading out onto the dance floor... 969 01:03:41,610 --> 01:03:43,780 ...a fine, young chap stops you on your way-- 970 01:03:43,940 --> 01:03:46,740 Strikingly handsome. Some would say ruggedly good-looking. 971 01:03:46,910 --> 01:03:49,870 He stops you and says, "Excuse me, would you care to dance?" 972 01:03:50,030 --> 01:03:52,990 -Don't tell me you dance. -Me? 973 01:03:53,160 --> 01:03:54,290 Never. 974 01:03:57,170 --> 01:03:59,380 Oh, my God. 975 01:04:00,250 --> 01:04:03,130 -Oh, my God. -That's it. That's all I've got, really. 976 01:04:08,930 --> 01:04:10,140 No way. 977 01:04:15,310 --> 01:04:16,430 For you. 978 01:04:17,520 --> 01:04:19,270 -Let's go. -No, I can't-- 979 01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:23,230 You're making this embarrassing- myself--to-be-cute thing really difficult. 980 01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:24,860 Look at this, check it out. 981 01:04:27,320 --> 01:04:30,990 -Did you see that little move? -I saw it. I wanna see more over here. 982 01:04:57,730 --> 01:04:58,850 I got caught up. 983 01:05:23,380 --> 01:05:25,550 -Hi. -Hey. 984 01:05:49,900 --> 01:05:51,280 Hey. 985 01:05:55,580 --> 01:05:57,120 Fun, huh? 986 01:05:57,290 --> 01:05:58,700 Yeah. 987 01:06:02,710 --> 01:06:05,210 You know you could have any girl out there, right? 988 01:06:06,250 --> 01:06:09,300 Hey, dude, look at me. 989 01:06:09,470 --> 01:06:10,760 Look at this. 990 01:06:10,920 --> 01:06:12,840 It's not about what you look like, man. 991 01:06:13,010 --> 01:06:14,140 It's right here, okay? 992 01:06:14,300 --> 01:06:17,760 It's attitude, it's how you look at them. Pretend you don't give a shit... 993 01:06:17,930 --> 01:06:21,430 ...they will be on you like acne. Guaranteed or your money back. 994 01:06:22,440 --> 01:06:26,940 So, then, like, why have you been such a kiss-ass to your girl all night? 995 01:06:27,110 --> 01:06:29,190 Pulling out chairs, throwing out compliments. 996 01:06:29,360 --> 01:06:33,700 I'm on a different plan. You're on a-- What you-- What l-- 997 01:06:33,860 --> 01:06:36,280 "Can I wipe your ass, baby?" 998 01:06:36,620 --> 01:06:39,990 I was trying to help you, but fuck you. 999 01:06:40,160 --> 01:06:41,450 Fuck you, you hypocrite. 1000 01:06:41,620 --> 01:06:44,290 "Hey nerd, let me give you some condescending advice." 1001 01:06:44,460 --> 01:06:45,580 Be cruel to women? 1002 01:06:45,750 --> 01:06:47,460 Fat, pathetic, sad dork. 1003 01:06:47,630 --> 01:06:50,630 -Old man at a high-school prom. -Husky bitch. 1004 01:06:53,630 --> 01:06:56,510 Don't get ahead of yourself here. And I'm just curious... 1005 01:06:56,680 --> 01:06:59,060 -...but are you seeing anybody? -No. 1006 01:06:59,220 --> 01:07:00,970 No? 1007 01:07:01,140 --> 01:07:03,270 -Are you? -No. 1008 01:07:03,480 --> 01:07:05,940 What about that awkward night with that guy? 1009 01:07:06,110 --> 01:07:07,310 You still calling him? 1010 01:07:07,730 --> 01:07:09,980 He kind of disappeared. 1011 01:07:10,480 --> 01:07:12,320 I haven't heard from him since he quit. 1012 01:07:12,490 --> 01:07:14,950 Maybe you could call him. You know? 1013 01:07:15,110 --> 01:07:17,740 See how he's holding up kind of thing. 1014 01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:20,450 -What? -Or don't. 1015 01:07:20,620 --> 01:07:23,250 It's-- It's your choice. I mean, I'm just saying-- 1016 01:07:23,410 --> 01:07:26,500 -No, I know. It's sweet. -Polite. 1017 01:07:27,630 --> 01:07:31,460 Even if it is a part of your whole show that you've got going on tonight. 1018 01:07:31,710 --> 01:07:34,380 You're pulling out all the stops. 1019 01:07:34,880 --> 01:07:37,760 Sweet Tank. Sweet Tank is way into me. 1020 01:07:42,140 --> 01:07:44,810 You know what, though? You're right. I should call him. 1021 01:07:47,100 --> 01:07:49,060 I should call him. 1022 01:07:52,030 --> 01:07:54,820 You know, it was really cool of you to call, Alexis. 1023 01:07:54,990 --> 01:07:58,030 Lunch, wedding errands. Just like old times, huh? 1024 01:07:58,200 --> 01:08:01,280 I haven't seen you since I took my leave of absence from work. 1025 01:08:01,450 --> 01:08:02,990 Yeah, I heard you quit. 1026 01:08:03,160 --> 01:08:06,710 Oh, no, no, no, I just-- I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical. 1027 01:08:06,870 --> 01:08:08,830 I just wanted to do some soul-searching. 1028 01:08:16,590 --> 01:08:19,510 -My sister picked it out. -Well, you should thank her. 1029 01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:22,640 -The whole world should thank her. -Well, you're welcome. 1030 01:08:22,810 --> 01:08:25,270 -Speaking of the devil. -Oh, my gosh. 1031 01:08:25,430 --> 01:08:27,440 I love it. I love it so much. 1032 01:08:27,600 --> 01:08:29,690 This is my friend, Dustin. This is my sister. 1033 01:08:29,860 --> 01:08:31,110 -Oh, hi. -No. Get over here. 1034 01:08:31,270 --> 01:08:33,110 -What? -Congratulations. 1035 01:08:33,280 --> 01:08:35,530 Alexis will not shut up about you, the wedding-- 1036 01:08:35,690 --> 01:08:38,150 That was really smart. That was so smart, yeah. 1037 01:08:38,320 --> 01:08:40,450 See, I brought mine too. Hi. 1038 01:08:40,620 --> 01:08:44,950 It's really the only opinion that means anything these days. 1039 01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:46,250 Oh, my gosh. 1040 01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:49,250 You have to see my dress. Great, now. 1041 01:08:52,460 --> 01:08:54,380 -Yeah, I did it when-- -Alexis, I'm sorry. 1042 01:08:54,550 --> 01:08:57,300 I'm the-- I'm the dress-shopping gay pal? 1043 01:08:57,470 --> 01:09:00,090 I just think that now's not the time to set her straight. 1044 01:09:00,260 --> 01:09:01,890 She's a little crazy, she's manic. 1045 01:09:02,050 --> 01:09:04,470 I get that we're in slow-down mode... 1046 01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:06,850 ...but I'm not gonna, like, meet your parents... 1047 01:09:07,020 --> 01:09:09,230 ...under the pretext of the gay friend. I mean-- 1048 01:09:09,390 --> 01:09:11,060 -What? -I'm sorry, excuse me one second. 1049 01:09:11,230 --> 01:09:12,900 -Dustin, you need to-- -What? What? 1050 01:09:13,070 --> 01:09:15,780 Yeah, what? What is it? What? Is something wrong? 1051 01:09:15,940 --> 01:09:18,820 -Do you not want me to come? -Promise me you won't be upset... 1052 01:09:21,780 --> 01:09:23,740 I'm seeing somebody. 1053 01:09:23,910 --> 01:09:28,290 And so I asked him to come with me to the wedding. 1054 01:09:30,750 --> 01:09:32,420 -You're-- You're upset. -No. What? 1055 01:09:33,290 --> 01:09:35,630 Upset? No. Why would I be upset? 1056 01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,960 Come on. That's crazy. 1057 01:09:38,130 --> 01:09:41,630 Like I'm a guy that gets upset. Come on. More like happy. 1058 01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,140 You know? I'm happy that-- That, you know. 1059 01:09:44,300 --> 01:09:47,560 -That you found someone special. -It still feels a little short. 1060 01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,480 I still think that if you put the-- 1061 01:09:49,640 --> 01:09:51,480 -So, dish. -I just wanna make sure my-- 1062 01:09:51,650 --> 01:09:53,440 Who is he? 1063 01:09:53,610 --> 01:09:57,610 Yeah, I think that's too much shoe. 1064 01:09:58,990 --> 01:10:02,490 Man-ischewitz, Sherman, look at you. 1065 01:10:02,660 --> 01:10:04,950 You remind me of me on my wedding day. 1066 01:10:05,120 --> 01:10:08,410 I was one nasty son of a bitch. 1067 01:10:09,660 --> 01:10:12,670 -Dad, why did Mom marry you? -Who makes this tux? Versace? 1068 01:10:12,830 --> 01:10:15,500 -Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad. -Where'd you get this tux? 1069 01:10:15,670 --> 01:10:18,590 -The black on black. -Come on, Dad, really. 1070 01:10:20,880 --> 01:10:22,760 Your mother was an incredible woman... 1071 01:10:22,930 --> 01:10:26,720 ...but she had awful judgment. 1072 01:10:26,890 --> 01:10:29,430 She was always trying to find the better man inside me. 1073 01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:33,850 Unfortunately, she found him inside of her psychotherapist, Janine. 1074 01:10:34,270 --> 01:10:35,310 Not good. 1075 01:10:35,480 --> 01:10:39,360 See, I always knew that your mom was the best it was ever gonna get for me. 1076 01:10:39,530 --> 01:10:42,610 And I never asked the more important question, which is: 1077 01:10:42,780 --> 01:10:44,950 Was I the best it was ever gonna get for her? 1078 01:10:49,490 --> 01:10:51,160 You're not so bad, Pop. 1079 01:10:54,710 --> 01:10:57,710 I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah. 1080 01:10:57,880 --> 01:11:00,210 And I'm a selfish asshole. 1081 01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:08,680 And so are you. 1082 01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:11,930 So I want you to get out there... 1083 01:11:13,350 --> 01:11:15,730 ...and I want you to revel in it. 1084 01:11:36,790 --> 01:11:38,750 -Oh, my God. -Hi. 1085 01:11:38,920 --> 01:11:40,960 -You are hot as a pistol. -You look handsome. 1086 01:11:41,130 --> 01:11:44,090 -No, you. I am very... -I am so impressed with you. 1087 01:11:44,260 --> 01:11:46,550 ...impressed. You look beautiful. 1088 01:11:47,090 --> 01:11:50,010 -Do you like the red lipstick? -I wanna do you right here. 1089 01:11:50,180 --> 01:11:52,260 Okay, I gotta go-- Josh. 1090 01:11:52,430 --> 01:11:56,020 My future brother-in-law. Josh, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank. 1091 01:11:56,190 --> 01:11:57,980 Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom... 1092 01:11:58,150 --> 01:12:00,820 ...in today's performance of Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married. 1093 01:12:00,980 --> 01:12:03,940 Okay, well, I'm gonna go tame Bridezilla. 1094 01:12:04,110 --> 01:12:07,320 -You want me to come? Lex? -No, I'll look out for him. All right? 1095 01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:10,120 -Just breathe for a second, all right? -I am breathing. 1096 01:12:10,280 --> 01:12:11,530 Now adapt. 1097 01:12:11,700 --> 01:12:13,120 -Are we adapting? -Yeah. 1098 01:12:13,290 --> 01:12:15,080 Are we ready to evolve? 1099 01:12:15,250 --> 01:12:17,960 You let fly one word about our arrangement... 1100 01:12:18,130 --> 01:12:20,250 ...I will crush your nuts into butter. 1101 01:12:20,420 --> 01:12:23,340 Like the kind at the health-food store, but not so good for you. 1102 01:12:23,510 --> 01:12:25,800 But-- But, but... 1103 01:12:26,170 --> 01:12:29,640 ...you play ball, I will plant your flag right next to mine. All right? 1104 01:12:29,800 --> 01:12:32,510 I will make you family. And believe me, Tank... 1105 01:12:32,680 --> 01:12:35,060 ...you wanna be family. 1106 01:12:36,100 --> 01:12:38,020 -Money. -Jesus Christ. 1107 01:12:38,190 --> 01:12:40,520 Like, "money" money. 1108 01:12:40,690 --> 01:12:43,190 Old money, new money, fuck-me money, fuck-you money. 1109 01:12:43,360 --> 01:12:44,780 Family money, money. 1110 01:12:44,940 --> 01:12:48,070 Okay, yeah. Josh, you got me all wrong. 1111 01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:51,490 No. I know exactly who you are, all right? 1112 01:12:51,660 --> 01:12:54,490 It's Alexis who's got you all wrong. 1113 01:12:54,660 --> 01:12:57,290 Let's do what we do, brother. Hey, Merrilee. 1114 01:12:57,960 --> 01:13:00,290 -Brian. -Now, I've told you, fella... 1115 01:13:00,460 --> 01:13:02,670 ...from here on out, it's strictly Mom and Dad. 1116 01:13:02,840 --> 01:13:05,710 I'd like to introduce you to your next son-in-law, Tank Turner. 1117 01:13:05,880 --> 01:13:07,590 This is Alexis' guy. 1118 01:13:07,760 --> 01:13:11,090 -I've heard so much about you. -That is unfortunate. 1119 01:13:11,260 --> 01:13:13,050 Forget it all. 1120 01:13:13,220 --> 01:13:14,930 -Tank. -Hi. 1121 01:13:18,190 --> 01:13:21,730 Tank Turner is an asshole. 1122 01:13:22,270 --> 01:13:25,320 -You brought Satan to my wedding? -Well, he's changed. 1123 01:13:25,480 --> 01:13:27,610 Or he's going to change. Or he's changing. 1124 01:13:27,780 --> 01:13:28,990 No. 1125 01:13:29,150 --> 01:13:31,700 I'm sorry, but that is not enough. 1126 01:13:31,870 --> 01:13:34,660 Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation on the dark side-- 1127 01:13:34,830 --> 01:13:37,370 Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, I'm falling in love with him. 1128 01:13:37,830 --> 01:13:39,210 What? 1129 01:13:40,290 --> 01:13:41,920 I love him. 1130 01:13:51,680 --> 01:13:54,090 -Hey, so-- -So many things that I want-- 1131 01:13:54,260 --> 01:13:56,060 Oh, come here. 1132 01:14:01,440 --> 01:14:05,860 -I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving. -Go. 1133 01:14:26,500 --> 01:14:29,340 Are you the best it's ever gonna get for her? 1134 01:14:40,430 --> 01:14:42,020 Are you? 1135 01:15:56,970 --> 01:16:00,470 If anyone here can show just cause why these two should not be joined... 1136 01:16:00,640 --> 01:16:05,770 ...let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1137 01:16:05,980 --> 01:16:08,690 White dress. Chick's seen more dick than you. 1138 01:16:13,900 --> 01:16:18,490 I've been wanting to come over here because I was reminded of a joke. 1139 01:16:19,120 --> 01:16:22,410 A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding. Who knew? 1140 01:16:22,910 --> 01:16:26,960 And they see a small boy bending over to tie his shoe. 1141 01:16:27,120 --> 01:16:29,330 So the priest says to the Rabbi: 1142 01:16:29,500 --> 01:16:31,670 "God, I'd really love to screw that kid." 1143 01:16:31,840 --> 01:16:35,510 And then the Rabbi says, "Out of what?" 1144 01:16:37,380 --> 01:16:40,340 It's a visual thing, because the kid is basically like this. 1145 01:16:40,510 --> 01:16:41,680 He's bending over. 1146 01:16:43,930 --> 01:16:45,680 Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this. 1147 01:16:45,850 --> 01:16:49,480 While you're giving it to your lady from behind, okay? 1148 01:16:49,650 --> 01:16:51,480 Very important. You gotta be behind her. 1149 01:16:51,650 --> 01:16:53,980 Start making some sounds like you're gonna bust... 1150 01:16:54,150 --> 01:16:55,360 ...then you pull out. 1151 01:16:55,530 --> 01:16:58,780 As you pull out, you let a little dribble of saliva trickle down... 1152 01:16:58,950 --> 01:17:02,070 ...onto the small of her back. She thinks it's over, she flips over: 1153 01:17:02,240 --> 01:17:03,660 "Good, I can go to sleep." 1154 01:17:03,830 --> 01:17:06,200 Fireman's hose. All over. 1155 01:17:10,710 --> 01:17:12,710 -I don't get it. -You don't get it? 1156 01:17:12,880 --> 01:17:15,960 Here's what you're gonna do. Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound. 1157 01:17:22,390 --> 01:17:23,600 Ready, and wow. 1158 01:17:24,970 --> 01:17:26,970 It's like lifting a coffin. 1159 01:17:28,350 --> 01:17:31,020 Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina. 1160 01:17:35,730 --> 01:17:37,610 Hello? Yeah, I can talk. 1161 01:17:43,030 --> 01:17:45,240 -You weren't gonna drink. -Can't have a glass... 1162 01:17:45,410 --> 01:17:47,040 ...to celebrate the holy sacrament? 1163 01:17:47,200 --> 01:17:49,370 -Is that Jägermeister I smell? -I don't know. 1164 01:17:49,540 --> 01:17:51,370 Wine, huh? 1165 01:17:53,250 --> 01:17:54,880 -No. -Don't get into any trouble. 1166 01:17:55,050 --> 01:17:57,760 -I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing. -Don't get into any trouble. 1167 01:18:06,560 --> 01:18:08,890 For their first dance as a married couple... 1168 01:18:09,060 --> 01:18:13,600 ...I'd like to present to you Rachel and Josh. 1169 01:18:25,990 --> 01:18:27,120 Sorry. 1170 01:18:27,990 --> 01:18:29,910 Can I have this dance? 1171 01:18:30,080 --> 01:18:31,370 Not a good time? Okay. 1172 01:18:31,540 --> 01:18:36,090 Sorry, everybody. This is their night. I'll clean that up. It's the chicken. 1173 01:18:37,050 --> 01:18:38,960 The bride and groom. 1174 01:18:45,140 --> 01:18:48,140 I'm gonna grab these. Clean. I washed them after I threw up. 1175 01:18:48,310 --> 01:18:50,020 How are you? 1176 01:18:50,430 --> 01:18:52,390 It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it. 1177 01:18:52,560 --> 01:18:55,150 Usually they come in twos and threes, so that's-- 1178 01:18:57,690 --> 01:19:00,230 Cocaine, you know, just kind of gets me sneezy. 1179 01:19:00,400 --> 01:19:03,490 And you, by the way, look lovely. I just wanted to... 1180 01:19:03,660 --> 01:19:06,320 ...say a hello to you. 1181 01:19:10,660 --> 01:19:12,200 All right. 1182 01:19:16,920 --> 01:19:19,420 Weddings get me hot and hard, know what I'm saying? 1183 01:19:19,590 --> 01:19:21,300 What do you got going on? 1184 01:19:21,460 --> 01:19:23,970 I want that in my fucking mouth. 1185 01:19:27,350 --> 01:19:29,140 Hey, Alexis sent me to look for you, so let's go. 1186 01:19:29,310 --> 01:19:30,390 Having a little chat. 1187 01:19:30,560 --> 01:19:34,020 With my friend. Taking a breather. Breathing. 1188 01:19:35,940 --> 01:19:38,690 Fucking goddamn it. What do you call that shit, A.J.? 1189 01:19:38,860 --> 01:19:41,480 Afghani-Kush Kryptonite. 1190 01:19:41,650 --> 01:19:45,030 Kryptonite. It killed Superman. I'm just a man. 1191 01:19:45,200 --> 01:19:48,530 You really are, like, a super special kind of asshole, aren't you? 1192 01:19:48,700 --> 01:19:50,660 I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus. 1193 01:19:50,830 --> 01:19:53,000 -Do you really? -All right. Okay. 1194 01:19:53,710 --> 01:19:55,870 -One more bite. -What are you doing? 1195 01:19:56,040 --> 01:19:58,580 Alexis is gonna freak out when she sees this. 1196 01:19:58,750 --> 01:19:59,960 -No she won't. -Yeah. Yeah. 1197 01:20:00,130 --> 01:20:01,960 -She's understanding. -Oh, my God, dude. 1198 01:20:02,130 --> 01:20:05,220 -She's never gonna forgive you. -All right. I'm coming. I'm coming. 1199 01:20:07,180 --> 01:20:08,720 -What a day. -Yeah. 1200 01:20:10,050 --> 01:20:12,510 May I partake? 1201 01:20:13,060 --> 01:20:16,190 My daughter got married today. 1202 01:20:16,350 --> 01:20:19,900 -Wonderful. -Oh, God, I feel old. 1203 01:20:20,060 --> 01:20:25,570 I bet back in the day, you were one hot slice of fuckberry pie. 1204 01:20:28,820 --> 01:20:32,580 You bet your sweet ass I was. 1205 01:20:34,080 --> 01:20:37,290 Hey. I love your shoes. 1206 01:20:38,080 --> 01:20:40,130 So are we gonna do this or what? 1207 01:20:42,340 --> 01:20:44,460 Come on, it's not gonna suck itself, Mama. 1208 01:20:44,630 --> 01:20:46,760 Oh, my God. 1209 01:20:46,930 --> 01:20:49,130 Who is this guy? 1210 01:20:50,890 --> 01:20:53,350 And he's ruining my entire wedding. 1211 01:20:53,510 --> 01:20:56,680 He ruined my dance, my actual dance. 1212 01:20:56,850 --> 01:21:00,190 No, it's ruined. And-- Why did you bring him here? 1213 01:21:00,360 --> 01:21:02,190 It's disgusting. 1214 01:21:04,030 --> 01:21:07,570 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1215 01:21:07,740 --> 01:21:10,660 -Are you kidding me? -He really...? 1216 01:21:13,330 --> 01:21:16,250 I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1217 01:21:16,410 --> 01:21:19,210 Tank. Tank! How could you?! 1218 01:21:19,750 --> 01:21:22,460 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1219 01:21:24,050 --> 01:21:26,260 Oh, no. You're not gonna walk away from me. 1220 01:21:26,420 --> 01:21:28,300 You're gonna talk to me. This is insane. 1221 01:21:28,470 --> 01:21:30,590 Who is that person, huh? Who is that guy? 1222 01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:33,350 This is me. I'm an asshole. 1223 01:21:33,510 --> 01:21:36,270 You had your chance with a good guy and you threw it away. 1224 01:21:36,430 --> 01:21:37,770 -Who? -Dustin. 1225 01:21:37,930 --> 01:21:41,020 -You have no right to tell me-- -No, Dustin. Dustin's here. 1226 01:21:41,190 --> 01:21:43,230 Dustin. Dustin? 1227 01:21:43,400 --> 01:21:44,610 -Dustin? -Be careful. 1228 01:21:44,770 --> 01:21:46,650 Tank! 1229 01:21:56,740 --> 01:21:58,370 It's time you all knew the truth. 1230 01:21:58,540 --> 01:22:01,500 Would you stop? If I go down, you're coming with me, okay? 1231 01:22:01,670 --> 01:22:05,880 Okay? So I'm sure every-- 1232 01:22:06,710 --> 01:22:07,750 Don't touch. 1233 01:22:07,920 --> 01:22:09,800 Why don't you take a walk with me? 1234 01:22:09,970 --> 01:22:11,590 -Hey! Come with me, okay? -Dustin. 1235 01:22:11,760 --> 01:22:14,340 Would you guys like to know what this man--? Excuse me. 1236 01:22:14,510 --> 01:22:16,100 What this man does as a hobby? 1237 01:22:16,260 --> 01:22:19,890 Let's say, for example... 1238 01:22:20,060 --> 01:22:23,520 ...I get dumped by my girl. 1239 01:22:23,690 --> 01:22:28,070 And I want to pay him to go out with her... 1240 01:22:28,230 --> 01:22:30,570 -Oh, boy. -...terrorize her... 1241 01:22:30,740 --> 01:22:34,870 ...and have her come screaming back into my arms. 1242 01:22:35,740 --> 01:22:38,700 So I made a deal with the devil. 1243 01:22:38,870 --> 01:22:39,870 That's what I did. 1244 01:22:40,040 --> 01:22:43,420 -But-- But what does that make him? -Okay, stop. Stop it. 1245 01:22:43,580 --> 01:22:46,380 Just tell me this isn't true. 1246 01:22:48,920 --> 01:22:50,880 Ask him. 1247 01:22:51,880 --> 01:22:53,380 -Baby, sorry. -You make me sick. 1248 01:22:53,550 --> 01:22:56,720 -Ask him. -I hate you. 1249 01:22:58,100 --> 01:22:59,890 -Ask him. -I'm gonna kill you! 1250 01:23:00,060 --> 01:23:01,930 I'm gonna kill you! 1251 01:23:02,100 --> 01:23:04,560 -I work on referrals. -Okay. 1252 01:23:05,770 --> 01:23:08,440 You're honestly gonna tell me... 1253 01:23:09,480 --> 01:23:13,450 ...that you and l, that's nothing? 1254 01:23:13,910 --> 01:23:15,700 That's nothing? 1255 01:23:17,620 --> 01:23:19,950 I'm just a job? 1256 01:23:20,910 --> 01:23:25,120 I need you to tell me. Tank, tell me right now... 1257 01:23:25,290 --> 01:23:27,380 ...that I'm just a job. 1258 01:23:27,540 --> 01:23:31,460 -Tell me to my face. -You're just a job. 1259 01:23:36,510 --> 01:23:38,470 Just a job. 1260 01:23:38,640 --> 01:23:41,470 I never wanna see you again. 1261 01:23:42,430 --> 01:23:44,060 Yeah. 1262 01:23:44,230 --> 01:23:46,560 Alexis. Alexis. 1263 01:23:46,730 --> 01:23:48,690 I'm gonna kill you! 1264 01:24:18,510 --> 01:24:20,470 Motherfucker. 1265 01:24:41,450 --> 01:24:44,160 You have one new message. 1266 01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:47,080 Dust, you were right. 1267 01:24:47,250 --> 01:24:49,370 Alexis is an angel... 1268 01:24:49,540 --> 01:24:52,460 ...and she deserves the best. 1269 01:24:54,010 --> 01:24:56,210 And that's you. So I'm sorry it took so long... 1270 01:24:56,380 --> 01:24:59,050 ...but I finally did what you hired me to do. 1271 01:24:59,220 --> 01:25:02,010 I got a bass-ackward way of showing it, but I care about you. 1272 01:25:02,180 --> 01:25:05,220 Tank. Tank! How could you?! 1273 01:25:05,390 --> 01:25:07,980 My ex, Sarah. Cunt. 1274 01:25:41,090 --> 01:25:42,760 Did you love her? 1275 01:25:42,930 --> 01:25:45,470 Do you love her? That's all I wanna know. 1276 01:25:46,930 --> 01:25:49,140 I don't even know what that means. 1277 01:25:49,310 --> 01:25:52,400 Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do l. 1278 01:25:52,690 --> 01:25:55,400 All I know is that me and her ends up with her hurt. 1279 01:25:55,570 --> 01:25:56,980 It's inevitable. 1280 01:25:57,150 --> 01:25:59,780 Turners and women, right, Pop? 1281 01:25:59,950 --> 01:26:01,280 Yeah. 1282 01:26:03,410 --> 01:26:05,740 I banged a lot of women, Sherman. 1283 01:26:06,410 --> 01:26:08,370 I've been banging since back in the day... 1284 01:26:08,540 --> 01:26:11,120 ...when you were laminating pictures of them. 1285 01:26:11,290 --> 01:26:13,460 So, yeah, that's me. 1286 01:26:14,040 --> 01:26:17,090 That's this guy, but that ain't you. No. 1287 01:26:17,260 --> 01:26:20,720 Last night, you proved something that I have long feared. 1288 01:26:20,880 --> 01:26:22,510 And that is... 1289 01:26:22,680 --> 01:26:24,930 ...you may just take after your mother. 1290 01:26:26,720 --> 01:26:30,600 Yeah, I can't believe you actually tried to give Alexis up for me. 1291 01:26:31,140 --> 01:26:32,310 I know, dude. 1292 01:26:32,480 --> 01:26:34,440 -That's pretty fucked up, right? -Yeah. 1293 01:26:34,610 --> 01:26:36,730 I mean, if that's not love.... 1294 01:26:37,480 --> 01:26:39,480 Yeah, I'm sorry, man. 1295 01:26:39,940 --> 01:26:43,070 I'm sorry. I'm the guy who.... 1296 01:26:44,620 --> 01:26:46,570 You were my best friend. 1297 01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:48,870 I still am. 1298 01:26:50,620 --> 01:26:52,750 You guys gonna make out now, huh? 1299 01:26:52,920 --> 01:26:55,830 Go ahead, stick your tongue in his mouth. That'll clear the air. 1300 01:26:58,800 --> 01:27:00,300 How about a...? 1301 01:27:07,560 --> 01:27:11,770 Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while, but now I'm seeing things clearly. 1302 01:27:11,930 --> 01:27:13,940 You need to get her back. 1303 01:27:16,020 --> 01:27:18,060 -But I don't deserve her. -No, you-- Tank. 1304 01:27:18,230 --> 01:27:20,780 If you were willing to give her up, you deserve her. 1305 01:27:21,070 --> 01:27:23,570 That's fucked up, but you're right. 1306 01:27:26,030 --> 01:27:28,280 She's my angel and it's time she knew. 1307 01:27:28,450 --> 01:27:30,370 Yes. So, what's stopping you? 1308 01:27:30,540 --> 01:27:32,500 I propositioned her mother for a blowjob. 1309 01:27:33,870 --> 01:27:36,540 Man, that is great. 1310 01:27:36,710 --> 01:27:39,210 That is so great. Yes. 1311 01:27:40,050 --> 01:27:42,880 Alexis! Alexis, wait. 1312 01:27:43,050 --> 01:27:44,550 Alexis. 1313 01:27:44,720 --> 01:27:46,550 Just hear me out, all right? Listen. 1314 01:27:46,720 --> 01:27:49,550 Nope. Nope. Nope. 1315 01:27:49,720 --> 01:27:51,100 I did it for you. 1316 01:27:51,270 --> 01:27:53,890 I pushed you away because I thought I didn't deserve you. 1317 01:27:54,060 --> 01:27:57,560 -You don't. -So I made a mistake. 1318 01:27:57,730 --> 01:28:00,320 -Many. -I know. 1319 01:28:00,480 --> 01:28:02,730 -I will never do better than you. -I know. 1320 01:28:02,900 --> 01:28:04,900 -I need you in my life. -I know. 1321 01:28:05,070 --> 01:28:07,950 -And I wanna apologize. -I don't want it. 1322 01:28:08,120 --> 01:28:10,620 Good, because it's not for you. 1323 01:28:10,790 --> 01:28:13,580 I wanna apologize to myself. 1324 01:28:13,750 --> 01:28:17,290 I'm sorry, Tank, that you blew it with Alexis. 1325 01:28:17,460 --> 01:28:19,830 -But you did. -Because I thought you deserved... 1326 01:28:20,000 --> 01:28:21,420 ...someone better than me. 1327 01:28:21,590 --> 01:28:25,380 But when I'm with you, it's like I'm better than me. 1328 01:28:25,760 --> 01:28:29,590 You're the only person that could ever make me do cardio. And I hate cardio. 1329 01:28:29,760 --> 01:28:33,260 I wanna faint, I want a cigarette and I have a massive cramp. 1330 01:28:33,430 --> 01:28:35,770 But I would run a marathon for you. 1331 01:28:41,400 --> 01:28:43,530 -Okay. -Fuck me. 1332 01:28:43,690 --> 01:28:45,740 You ruined my sister's wedding. 1333 01:28:45,900 --> 01:28:49,160 But I saved her life. That guy was a fucking fuckface. 1334 01:28:49,320 --> 01:28:53,450 -You curse incessantly. -I will never swear again. 1335 01:28:53,620 --> 01:28:55,120 Fuck. Last one. 1336 01:28:55,290 --> 01:28:58,710 -My parents hate you. -Well, they'll come around. 1337 01:28:58,870 --> 01:29:00,210 Except your mother. 1338 01:29:00,380 --> 01:29:01,460 And your dad. 1339 01:29:01,630 --> 01:29:04,500 -Your job is a joke. -A joke? I sell air. 1340 01:29:04,670 --> 01:29:06,130 I do the impossible every day. 1341 01:29:06,300 --> 01:29:08,050 Have you ever even read a book? 1342 01:29:08,220 --> 01:29:09,970 The Giving Tree. 1343 01:29:10,300 --> 01:29:12,970 -And...? -Among others. Countless others. 1344 01:29:13,140 --> 01:29:15,970 -Tank. -I'll join a book club. 1345 01:29:16,640 --> 01:29:19,440 What's the matter? You can't keep up? 1346 01:29:20,400 --> 01:29:23,650 You are not passionate about anything. 1347 01:29:23,820 --> 01:29:27,240 Except you. I'm passionate about you. As evidence, consider the fact... 1348 01:29:27,400 --> 01:29:29,610 ...that I've been running for two goddamn hours. 1349 01:29:29,780 --> 01:29:32,120 -I need to stop and rest. -You sabotage dates. 1350 01:29:32,280 --> 01:29:34,620 You're a professional asshole. That's what you do. 1351 01:29:34,790 --> 01:29:38,040 No. It's what I did. 1352 01:29:38,750 --> 01:29:41,960 Tank, I just don't think you're the one. 1353 01:29:45,000 --> 01:29:48,090 Not yet, but I'll get there. 1354 01:30:00,100 --> 01:30:01,480 You okay? 1355 01:31:14,590 --> 01:31:17,600 Without air, we cannot live. 1356 01:31:19,060 --> 01:31:21,100 I think those words resonate with people... 1357 01:31:21,270 --> 01:31:25,060 ...because they're really true, you know? 1358 01:31:30,360 --> 01:31:31,820 What? 1359 01:31:32,780 --> 01:31:34,900 I thought-- I thought that was a joke. 1360 01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:39,580 -It wasn't. What are you talking about? -Nothing. 1361 01:31:39,740 --> 01:31:41,120 Air? 1362 01:31:41,290 --> 01:31:44,330 Because I don't really think there's anything funny about air. 1363 01:31:44,500 --> 01:31:46,460 It's kind of too important. 1364 01:31:56,890 --> 01:31:58,510 Asshole. 1365 01:32:01,810 --> 01:32:02,810 -Hi. -Hi. 1366 01:32:02,980 --> 01:32:04,020 -I'm Alexis. -Hi. 1367 01:32:04,180 --> 01:32:06,690 Do you wanna know what this guy did? He humiliated me. 1368 01:32:06,850 --> 01:32:08,980 -He embarrassed me. He literally-- -Alexis. 1369 01:32:09,150 --> 01:32:10,320 I'm having a conversation. 1370 01:32:10,480 --> 01:32:13,860 I'm having a conversation. It's with her, it's not with you. 1371 01:32:14,820 --> 01:32:16,990 What this guy did to me makes me sick every day. 1372 01:32:17,160 --> 01:32:18,820 Physically ill. 1373 01:32:18,990 --> 01:32:21,490 But is that like lovesickness or like hatesickness? 1374 01:32:21,660 --> 01:32:23,910 -No, it's like morning sickness. -What? 1375 01:32:25,250 --> 01:32:28,580 Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay? So I'm sorry. 1376 01:32:29,290 --> 01:32:31,540 It makes me a little emotional. 1377 01:32:31,710 --> 01:32:35,010 -You're pregnant? -Yes, I'm fucking pregnant! 1378 01:32:35,170 --> 01:32:37,010 I probably should go. 1379 01:32:37,180 --> 01:32:38,680 But how? It's.... 1380 01:32:39,890 --> 01:32:41,800 How do you think? 1381 01:32:41,970 --> 01:32:43,350 That's right, everybody. 1382 01:32:43,520 --> 01:32:47,690 This asshole got me pregnant. 1383 01:32:48,270 --> 01:32:51,860 -I definitely think I should go. -Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know. 1384 01:32:52,020 --> 01:32:53,400 If you think that's bad... 1385 01:32:53,570 --> 01:32:55,860 ...you should hear what this guy did to my sister. 1386 01:32:56,030 --> 01:33:00,530 -Alexis, I've apologized a million times. -He got her pregnant too. 1387 01:33:01,200 --> 01:33:03,870 So there's two of us having a baby together... 1388 01:33:04,040 --> 01:33:07,460 ...about three and a half weeks apart. 1389 01:33:07,620 --> 01:33:09,210 -Yeah. -It was dark, I was drunk... 1390 01:33:09,380 --> 01:33:10,880 ...and I thought it was you. 1391 01:33:11,040 --> 01:33:12,590 Right? 1392 01:33:16,550 --> 01:33:19,550 I'm gonna go now. It was nice meeting you. 1393 01:33:19,720 --> 01:33:22,010 Yeah, nice to meet you too. 1394 01:33:23,470 --> 01:33:24,680 What's going on here? 1395 01:33:25,720 --> 01:33:27,980 Oh, I'm just saving another girl... 1396 01:33:28,140 --> 01:33:30,980 ...from the worst sex she'll ever have in her life. 1397 01:33:35,650 --> 01:33:38,070 Well, your mother never complained. 1398 01:33:39,990 --> 01:33:43,320 You wanna know why I didn't return your e-mails? 1399 01:33:43,950 --> 01:33:45,540 Your pathetic calls? 1400 01:33:46,750 --> 01:33:50,160 You are unattractive. I said it. 1401 01:33:52,000 --> 01:33:54,210 I'm not attractive. Well, let's put it this way. 1402 01:33:54,380 --> 01:33:57,590 I would kick your ass right now, but my foot might get sucked in. 1403 01:33:59,550 --> 01:34:03,930 I'd kick your dick right now, but my foot might get herpes. 1404 01:34:04,640 --> 01:34:07,430 Well, you know, you can stop trying to be clever, Alexis. 1405 01:34:07,600 --> 01:34:11,190 The funniest thing that'll ever come out of you is me. 1406 01:34:11,600 --> 01:34:13,730 All right, Tank. 1407 01:34:13,900 --> 01:34:16,270 You got the best joke here. 1408 01:34:17,320 --> 01:34:19,070 And it's in your pants. 1409 01:34:29,870 --> 01:34:31,960 -I hate you. -I hate you too. 1410 01:34:32,120 --> 01:34:33,920 Oh, baby. 1411 01:35:01,740 --> 01:35:03,450 M. 1412 01:35:03,610 --> 01:35:05,820 S at the bar. 1413 01:35:05,990 --> 01:35:07,030 Stay with me. 1414 01:35:07,200 --> 01:35:09,870 Stay with me, because a bona fide vitamin C... 1415 01:35:10,040 --> 01:35:13,330 ...is eye-fucking your shit as we speak. 1416 01:35:13,580 --> 01:35:15,330 Don't do that. 1417 01:35:15,500 --> 01:35:17,670 You just choked harder than Bill Buckner. 1418 01:35:17,840 --> 01:35:21,170 For God's sakes. That's not cool. 1419 01:35:29,220 --> 01:35:31,270 Can I buy you a drink? 1420 01:35:33,520 --> 01:35:35,190 Fuck it. 1421 01:35:37,360 --> 01:35:39,520 -Wait, l.... -What? 1422 01:35:41,820 --> 01:35:43,820 I gotta warn you. 1423 01:35:45,490 --> 01:35:47,370 I'm no angel. 1424 01:35:57,040 --> 01:35:58,080 Neither am I. 1425 01:36:02,880 --> 01:36:04,720 Jesus. 1426 01:36:08,050 --> 01:36:10,050 So...